Ramblings of an emerging insomniac...

God has given me a zeal, to live a faith that is wholistic, lived out in word and deed. I know many who share this same zeal, and I am blessed to know them. Though there are also many, who are not passionate about things of the LORD. I am not saying that I am perfect. Heavens no. No no no no. I fail ALL the time. That's where grace comes in. And mercy. and yeah, things aren't black and white, but Jesus is always right. The word "christian" means "little Christ," so it is about time people start living up to that name. Just because we are "free" in Christ, it does not warrant us to live as WE please. That is not what freedom in Christ means. It's not about pleasing ourselves, it's about pleasing the LORD. In other words, it is so important that Christians live like Christ did. To be in the world, but not be associated with the world, AT ALL. I hate to come across like a "pharisee," but I would just like to point out that Jesus lived a life in perfect communion with God. Jesus did not curse, or use the LORD's name in vain, or disrespect authority, just to name a few things, that we Christians exercise our "freedom" in. Jesus was sinless. He was perfectly obedient. He loved and respected others. I think it's time we stop using the cop-out, "but we're human and Jesus was God." Jesus was human, too. He was tempted like all of us. He just had a clear purpose of what God wanted from Him (something we all share...we do have purpose), and Jesus LOVED the Father, which is why He was so obedient. He LOVED God and wanted to do His will.

Maybe the problem is that we don't love God enough? Not exactly a no-brainer...
My prayer is that those who really belong to Christ will understand that God literally has given us a higher-calling...we need to live as Christ; He, who knew no sin... we've got our work cut out for us. Sorry, not to imply that Christianity is based on works. It is not. But out of loving obedience to a God who saved us from damnation, we should do our best to live a life that is pleasing to Him...as Jesus did.

Happy Boxing Day (or at least that's what the Canadians say).

if it weren't for Jesus, the Christmas season would really be anti-climactic. I am sure the "holidays," as the rest of the world prefers to call it, is pretty anti-climactic for those unfortunate enough to live life without Christ. I mean, after weeks and weeks of preparations and thousands of dollars spent on presents, it's all over in one day. ONE DAY. eyuck. The thought of it makes me shudder. All the more reason why people need to know about Jesus. They need to released from the disappointment they are probably feeling now. Christians know, or at least they should know, that the celebration of Christ is a 24/7, everyday, ongoing celebration. Because Christmas, the birth of Christ, means.... God wins.

My pastor is going to have his seventh child (yes...seventh) within the next few days. Hopefully. I definitely want to be around for that. In my eyes, the Micus are like an extended family. I mean, I make home movies of the kids, for the kids. That pretty much means, I'm sort of like part of their family. This is them:
yeah. The kids are half filipino. That explains why they are so good looking. That is also probably why they are so loud and crazy and full of energy. I love them. I am really excited as to what baby number seven will be like. Or what they'll name him/her. I still say Micah Moses Micu is a good one.... (i'm being facetious, of course...)

So other than the Micu's having another child, I've thought of more good reasons for staying home:
1.) I'm enjoying the time spent with my brothers.
2.) My parents make the best filipino food. So it's been nice eating home-cooked meals.
3.) I am really, really low on cash. Being at home means I have a better chance of NOT spending money.

I think that making lists is another way that I am avoiding making a decision. My therapist says that I am a very indecisive individual. She actually asked me if i thought I was indecisive, and I answered, "Maybe? I don't really know..." Way to give myself away, eh?

Anyway, that's all for now.

3 am and i am even more indecisive.

I am awake without really having a good reason. Actually there is a reason, but I'm not going to say it. (don't worry, it's not illegal, but just not practical).

I am debating staying home for the entirety of winter break (another 4 weeks or so). Methinks, I've been debating too long. I think I enjoy my inability to commit to big decisions. Why? I don't know. Being indecisive is easier than making an executive decision.

upsides to staying home:
1.) hanging out with my brothers
2.) sleeping
3.) being able to hang out with the Micu's

downside to staying home:
1.) it's not normal?
2.) i will probably get too addicted to that confounded video game on my brothers' Wii.

whatever. i have a week to decide. and 3:32 am is not the best time to think about this. why do i even try?

You are my sunshine.

hmmm.

and so this is Christmas...

remember when Christmas was so much more exciting? i looked forward to Christmas because i knew I was going to get presents. but now that i'm 22, i don't get presents anymore--well, 3 years ago my parents bought me a car. since then i haven't gotten anything. i expect i won't get any presents for the next....5 years. with all that to say, for me, Christmas has lost it's luster.

i don't dislike Christmas. but... i don't care about presents, christmas trees, christmas lights, christmas dinners, or How the Grinch Stole Christmas, anymore. yeah, it would be nice if it snowed. and i still enjoy "Baby, it's Cold Outside" every time i hear it. but i don't really care about the "good feelings." Feelings are deceiving. Feelings mask reality more than it reveals truth. And sadly, christmas has become a season of "good feelings."

i guess i've grown out of the "good feelings." the superficial things of this season is overpoweringly strong, like old, musky cologne from your grandfather's medicine cabinet. but beneath all that odor, is something sincere, something simple. something that doesn't require christmas lights to stimulate nostalgic feelings of "christmas cheer." something so beautiful that it doesn't need all this pomp and circumstance. i find myself longing for that simplicity to, once again, be the focal point of this season. and that yearning for something sincere has long since sobered my excitement.

kind of weird. kind of normal.

home.
i feel like i'm watching from a window. an outsider looking in.
people are friendly, they smile at me. they wave at me.
some even step outside to give me a hug.
but they don't linger. they go back inside.
maybe because it's cold.
i like the cold.
it's an excuse to bundle up.
to cuddle with my clothing.
i like feeling warm.
i blink to try to remember what normal is.
maybe this awkwardness is normal, now.
maybe things before weren't so normal, as i thought.
why does normalcy have to matter in the first place?
it's so subjective.
i miss people. i miss their smile.
i miss the "huggling"
(which is snuggling, hugging and cuddling all at once)
i like consolidating words to make up a better one.
a friend called me today to tell me he was an uncle.
congratulations! babies are the best gift.
Jesus was a baby. And he grew up and taught us how to survive in this
world. He taught us what really matters. He knew and understood
the pains of suffering, of persecution, of disbelief, of pride...
that was normal for him.
He knew it had to be.

Globbing and such...

i really have nothing of significance to say, but isn't that what a blog is for? Or rather a "glob, " which is what i accidentally called this thing, two nights ago. "Online Globbers unite!"

yeah, the word "glob" really takes away from the sophistication of public disclosure, does it not? Glob is to blog as...some other word is to another sophisticated word. yeah, i realize that the profundity within that last sentence must have been mind-boggling. i understand if your mind is reeling from the astounding conjectures that i mercilessly threw at you, without any sort of proper warning. it's ok. you'll recover. we're not all geniuses.

anyway back to my rant. ahem: it's not like the word"blog" is any better... to be honest, blog sounds like the noise someone makes right before they throw up...

i'm going to cut this life-changing, world-turning, revelation-bringing, post...short. i'm going to get my hairs done. and it's going to be amazing.

ice cream.

i am well-versed on the subject of ambiguity
like that one guy, that one time,
once said to me,
"Girl, if you were ice cream
you'd be my favorite flavor."
Honey, if that were true,
then why did you date her?

end scene.

it's 2 in the morning and i am up, sitting in the lobby. my brain has been trained to be anxious about getting work done. how do i adjust from constantly expecting to do something, to not doing anything at all! i am a worthless vegetable. oh, how i envy my roommate and her eagerness for sleep.

my new favorite thing: secret handshakes. nothing cements a friendship like a fancy way to affirm people through dancing hand movements.

my new least favorite thing: pelicans. why? because they are evil. case in point:

A smorgasbord of....nothing important.

the blackhole has returned my missing things.

i am sitting in the lobby wondering about....

this is my 8th online blog...ever.

tell me i'm cool.