Hm. On the heels of what I blogged about last night...

"I am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not admiration for myself. God's purpose is not to perfect me to make me a trophy in His showcase, He is getting me to the place where He can use me.  

Let Him do what He wants."

-Oswald Chambers

vulnerABILITY

I told a co-worker today that I went out for drinks with some good friends the other night and he started at me in disbelief saying "Wha? I thought you were a goodie two-shoes?"  I responded by asking what he meant by that.   He said, "Well, cause you're all religious and junk. Thought you'd be against all that stuff."  I proceeded to tell him that I don't have qualms about the occasional drink, or going out dancing, taking hip hop class or meeting friends at the bars.  I talked about how I believe that Jesus would've done the same... hung out at bars, as opposed to churches, since he had a propensity to "kick it" with those who needed Him the most, not just the marginalized and ostracized by society, the poor and downtrodden, but the lost and searching as well.

I reflected on my own personal relationship with God. I really hope I don't sound pretentious when I go off on my theological rants.  Well, I hope they are not too "rant"-like.  Often,  these blog posts are triggered by conviction, or pain and suffering, or other kinds of trials in my life. It's all I've ever done after something hard happens. When I'm hurting, I have learned that the only real thing that will meet the depths of my heart ache is Jesus (I believe this is true for everyone, not just me).  I know I won't always feel like He loves me or that He wants the best for me, but I know or at least choose to believe that this is true. It does seem like though I am "preaching" to the general public, I am mostly preaching to myself. I am clingy to God, the Truth in the Bible and godly wisdom.  When life is tough, anything else is pure crap.  Objective truth helps filter through anything and everything that bombards you when things are difficult. When my emotions are out of control, I need Truth to solidly anchor me:  God is predictably good. He saves and redeems.  He is not cruel and unjust.  He is righteous. He is hope for the hopeless. He is a loving Father and the God of Comfort. He has forgiven me and called me His own, etc.

In a way I feel like I need to justify myself with people. That this isn't fake, that I really can't help the way I am when it comes to my spirituality.  That I am this deep when it comes to my relationship with God, that most of the time, I just choose to trust Him and believe He will come through and show me what He is doing through all the shit and turmoil that I may be experiencing. I am frustrated with myself that I feel like that I need to prove myself. It's just hard not to care when you're biggest hang up is AFFIRMATION from people. Guh. Well, here's whats real: I don't always feel like trusting Him. I sometimes tell Him that I don't like any of it. Like today, when I was driving home from work.  I said that life is not my favorite right now, so I'm waiting expectantly for Him to really come through.

I know that being hopeful or prayerful or consistent in hard times is difficult. It's gut-wrenching to surrender to God when all you want to do is NOT surrender.  However, I also cannot stand obstinately before God with my middle finger in the air, saying "Screw this, I'm living the way I want to." I do know that that's not helpful.  I have a few staunch examples in my life to remind me that leaning and trusting versus running away is always the better option.  A hardened heart will continue to dig itself into a hellish nightmare--and the deeper you go, the harder it is to get out and consequences multiply and often linger for years and years.

I used to be painfully religious and I am really thankful I am less so.  I think it was a great opportunity to share my journey and the way God has shaped me thus far to show others who assume that Christians can only be closed-minded and opinionated something different.  I don't think anyone would've ever called Jesus "religious." He related to the people that He was around.  He seemed more genuine and more real than all the other rabbis. I think that's what really drew people to Him.  And I hope the same goes for me.  I mean, I think it's a double edged sword.  I know people will be judgmental either way.  It all depends on which angle you look at it. I can be too "spiritual" or not convicted enough. "Too deep" or too "into the world."  Whatever. 

I was just thinking and reflecting about what it means to really live for God while I read a brief synopsis of the life of Dietrich Boenhoeffer.

There are a lot of competing priorities when it comes to truly surrendering to God and really seeking His will for our lives--and I think there always has been.  Christians are human beings who want good things for their lives: successful careers, happy marriages, healthy relationships, being able to do the things we are passionate about...but often outside of seeking God first or surrendering to what He wants and trusting Him to provide the good in his perfect timing.

I struggle with surrendering.  It seems scary.  There's a lie floating around that surrendering to God means that we will be completely unhappy, that we will begrudge living and rue each day that comes.  I don't really know what surrendering to the will of God means right now. Part of me is sweating the trivial things like wondering if people will think I'm less "cool," will people judge me and think I'm legalistic (ironic, right?), etc.  I feel like an idiot admitting that right now.  Jesus died for me on the Cross and I'm worried about being cool. Hmm.  Other people were/are thoroughly convinced that Jesus was/is worthy dying or being imprisoned or being tortured and maimed for.  That's convicting.

I think in some ways surrendering might just mean seeking after and finding contentment in the place where I am at. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. Letting myself be. Generally accepting my circumstance: the good, the not-so good and the painful, but also actively listening to the still small voice and being obedient to step in whichever direction He leads me. More importantly, I think surrendering is simply listening to God and letting Him lead me instead of me telling Him what I am going to do with my life...

I've had to reevaluate my life and my priorities recently. I am asking for wisdom about what the next step is and I think God wants me to change my attitude about work and to view it as a place to really seek out ways to pour into people: patients and co-workers alike. I think He brought about an opportunity to travel with Coleman Associates doing their CHAMP internship program because He wants me to help my clinic in other different ways, to learn from Coleman and bring back what I've learned to my clinic to help us see more patients and continue to make a significant impact on Skid Row.  I think God wants me to learn how to be faithful in going to community group and continue to seek ways to get plugged into my church.

I think I've spent so much time psyching myself out or rationalizing myself out of throwing myself into God's arms.  I know and have known for awhile that I want nothing else than to be faithful to what He has called me to do and I refuse to believe that I will live disdainfully if I do.  I think it will be quite the opposite because God is predictably good.

I can't settle for anything less anymore.

I was sitting in my car, eating some chips and reflecting on my day. I do that often--minus the eating chips part.  I like to sit and debrief with myself when I get home.  I don't rush out of the car. I just like to sit.

I was thinking about the phone call I just received regarding a promising opportunity to travel.  This opportunity had come up before in October, but I let it fall through the cracks because it didn't seem like the timing was right, or there were just things surrounding the issue that didn't seem right. So I didn't pursue it.  I was surprised this company had called me again 4 months later.  I am excited. I don't know what this means or if this is a new chapter in my life beginning to unfold.  There are still some things that need to fall into place, like approval from my C.E.O and my direct supervisor to allow me to travel for a week at a time every other month or so.  I am praying, though for God's perfect will, for peace and direction for me and those involved in this decision.  And holy crap, duh, I would so want to do this!  I am young and I am thirsty for adventure.  I want to experience all that this life has to offer. I want to use all the gifts that God has given me.  I don't want to live a life that is mediocre, that settles for what's comfortable and familiar. God, send me out! I am ready.

I am blessed to have a direct supervisor who genuinely looks out for me.  She's like an older sister to me.  A bold, wise and spirit-filled Christian woman.  She has told me on different occasions that she wants to keep me close, to support me in whatever way that she can.  I am quite in disbelief about this, actually.  That someone whom I have only known for a few months has taken on the role as my strongest advocate in the place where I work.  A few weeks ago, while I was sitting in her office, she told me that she was excited for me and my future and I quote: "Your future is so bright. Girl, I have to put sunglasses on when I am around you. Amen. And I will hold this excitement for you, until you can take it from me."  I was beside myself.  I told God that I wanted to be like her when I "grow up."

With all that to say, I am glad she is on my side. I know that it's a very tangible representation of God's love and encouragement for me.  And I am not sure what I did, but like grace, her favor or God's favor is not something I can work for or deserve.  As much as I like to write and express myself, I can't really find the words to say how deeply moved and thankful I am of this.  Therefore, I know whatever decision she makes about the next step of my career is for my good and it is comforting to know that she will seek prayer about it.

Life. You never know what you're gonna get.

I am a thinker and an externalizer. I am compelled to speak my mind and my heart's mind. I feel my emotions strongly and therefore they are ornamental on my demeanor, my sleeves and on my face. Yet, upon knowing this about myself, I feel the pull of hesitancy about being frank about what I really think or how I really feel.  There are many factors that contribute to this: fear of judgment-- what would that really mean about the state of who Linell is; fear of who may actually stumble upon this very public website--I do want to protect people, even if I feel like kicking them...in places that hurt.

Anyway.

I say all of those things because I was thinking about the nature of pain.  Pain is probably the realest reminder that we have about how small and human we truly are. At least, that's what pain is for me.  Pain is such an abstract ideal, yet it pierces deeply. Maybe that's why we either idolize it to the point of being victimized by our vices, or we pretend like it doesn't really exist, that our nerves are enforced with steel.

Pain.  We refuse to talk about it, we rationalize it, we ignore it, we engage it and grab it by the horns, we surrender to it, we hate it, we learn from it, we don't learn from it, we grow or we grow bitter about life and our circumstances because of it.  It's the drive the pushes us to express ourselves. Musicians, artists and poets create from the pain of longing, or want, or confusion. Pain can be good and is often the basis of our inspiration-it's a unique consequence for living life, even more so for those who seek to live life abundantly.

I examine my pain--the sharp and the dull aches,  and the heart-wrenching, the feeling like I just got the wind knocked out of me every time I remember kind of pain.  I hate it. I hate hurting. I feel the nagging poking and prodding in the pit of my stomach that sometimes makes me want to hurl very heavy and fragile things out of my bedroom window.  In moments of emotional and physical exhaustion it can often feel like despair and though hope is as near as a whispered prayer, it can also feel so far away. 

And as much as I hate hurting, I also know that it is what keeps my hope and my faith alive. Though I hate talking about my pain, I can't help it.  I know that often times the best way to move on and move forward is to bleed it out until it can no longer bleed.  I know that the hurt is what throws me into the arms of God and into the love of people.  Pain pushes me to seek healing, pushes me to grow. I have found that pain in my life have been the markers of transition from one season to the next. Ergo, pain is a beautiful thing.

Still, it's not easy to acknowledge the hurts.  It's so difficult to accept and embrace the pain. Sometimes accepting the pain might mean there is something about myself--a harsh reality or truth, or lie that I need to face.  I find that acceptance is difficult to embrace when something might make it seem like I am not good enough or worthy enough of being loved for who I am.  It's hard to accept that someone can walk away from me, after giving so much of myself to them because a part of me believed that it could've been a lifelong investment.  But such is life--relationships come and go and we can't marry everyone that we date.  It takes courage and a degree of maturity to grow deeper into relationships--and we are all at different stages.   Sometimes it takes two people simply being on the same page.

But feelings are feelings and they suck.  And break-ups are a bitch, or something more ornery than one. 

I hate my pain, but I also am working towards accepting it. I find that writing about it helps. I find that letting people know that I am hurting helps because inevitably I know that I am ok and that I will get better. And they affirm that for me, too.  I also know that pain is a major constant in life and I don't want to be paralyzed by it.  I want to be able to thrive amidst the hurting, while giving myself space to break down or let things crumble once in awhile.  God promises to rebuild the things that He has broken and I hold that promise close to my heart.  It's the best salve for my pain, for anyone's pain.

I wrote the following excerpt a year and a half ago, reflecting on Mary's unique situation--a bethrothed woman, a virgin, chosen by God to carry the Savior of the world in her womb... and the cultural/emotional hardships this might have brought up for her and Joseph...

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

Pain and disappointment have been my bosom buddies over the last few years--if you read through this blog, you will see what I mean.  Some of it was self-inflicted, but most of it are residuals from my familial history--which directly have affected some of the decisions I have made in the last year that have only left me hurt and crestfallen.

I have spent a lot of time today rationalizing, finding reasons to help me make sense of my most recent disappointment.  I've lamented about life and reached out for prayer.  I've also sought counsel and wisdom and community.  I see God's hand in things, but I also feel like I'm ready to be anywhere else but here. But I know there's no place I can really run away to, anyway, since my baggage(s) is (are) my constant companion(s).

The tension between believing in God's promises but waiting for them to come to fruition has never been easy for anyone. I often think about why God wants us to learn to wait on Him. But I've discovered that the waiting isn't meant to be rational or logical since God is not human and His ways are higher.

Frankly, its hard to sit in the fact that a year ago from today, life was painful and hard, mostly because of a very difficult family situation that had surfaced.  God made Abraham wait 90+ years before He gave Abraham the son, the heir, that He had promised, so is it obnoxious for me to think that a year later my life would be drastically different? That I wouldn't be hurting? I mean, my life is different today than it was a year ago and God has carried me through some of the hurt that 2011 had to offer, but I think I'm mostly disappointed that I am still hurting...about the same things in some ways and hurting in some new ways, too.  I do look forward for the ways that God will heal me and I know, or at least choose to believe that He will redeem the pain and turn it into something beautiful. Ergo, hope is not too elusive.

But Lord knows I'm ready to catch a break. I'm ready for something different.

He will surely come.

I've been home sick the last few days. I came home Monday afternoon from work and felt somethin' abrewin' and sure enough-- had a fever by 7pm, with my nose completely congested by the time I woke up the next morning. It's some kind of Upper Respiratory Infection that I probably picked up from working in a clinic on Skid Row. It's mostly likely a new "bug" that I picked up because I can't remember the last time I've had to stay home sick for such an extended period of time.  It was weird because I would spike a fever around the same time every night. I guess the viruses in my body decided that 5:30 in the evening was the best time to have their block party. I'm praying that this isn't the case tonight because (a) my boyfriend and my best friend are coming over for dinner and (b) I do want to eventually go back to work...

I didn't intend to blog about my illness, however.  I wanted to blog about God working amidst it all.

The interesting thing about all of this is that this week was dedicated to fasting.  The church that I've been going to for the last few Sundays implemented a church-wide fast, to pray and ask God for direction in our lives as individuals and in the lives of those in leadership at church. Since I work a fast-paced, on-the-go, nursing job at a clinic where anything can happen... I knew I couldn't completely fast from food, but I felt like the Holy Spirit was nudging me to fast from other things that I turn to or find comfort in instead of sitting with God in my discomfort. These things include, TV (including shows I watch online), movies, comfort food (like Thai food, fried chicken and Sun Chips), coffee (I'm an addict in denial), facebook and music.

I knew deep down that there have been some things that I haven't allowed myself to process since I've moved to Burbank. With a new season in life--a new job as a new nurse, a new surrounding, a new church, a new boyfriend--comes a lot of processing. And I was keeping myself busy, or inundated with external noise.  I knew that I felt kind of disconnected to myself and to God, but I wasn't really making the effort either to do anything about it.

God's timing is perfect, however, in that the week I decide to fast from external noise, I also have to stay home. Sick. No tv. No facebook. No movies. No music. Just me, my Bible and my thoughts. Oh and Jesus, of course. He is bringing up a lot of things, things that I feel would take up a whole nother blog post to explain...but in these things, I see how he wants to heal my brokenness and bind my wounds (Psalm 147:3).

Part of my frustration is that I thought I was all "fixed."  That I didn't have to worry about any of those past hurts, etc.  But I do see that God wants to fully restore me--even though it will take a lot more time than I originally planned. Haha. It's a place of vulnerability that I am hesitant and naturally unwilling to sit in. I do have hope, however, because God is predictably good. And in my life, He's only proved His faithfulness, love and power...time and time again.

Furthermore, I found great encouragement in Habakkuk this week.  I learned this week that the main theme in Habakkuk is how God uses a wicked nation (Babylon) for his divine purpose. This is of course in reference to God using Babylon to punish Assyria and Judah. And amidst this dark time, the words that God speaks to Habakkuk are the following: "...For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie.  If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.  Behold, his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by faith." (Habakkuk 2:3-4).

In that time, those who were followers of God, who were caught up in the ugliness of war and all that comes with such a horrible thing, were urged to live by faith. They had no other choice. Without faith, they would lose hope.  They didn't know what was going to happen, they had to trust that God is a good God.  The righteous must choose to remember how God has proven Himself to them, most especially during a time when things didn't make sense.

This is applicable in many ways for many people.  We all go through hardships and dark times and in those times, we must live by faith. We must live and trust God's goodness in the day to day, since we are essentially blind to what the future may hold. Even when negativity and self-pity, bitterness and discontent are constant companions, we must choose to see beyond them and think about what it means to live by faith, to trust that God is all knowing and faithful, that He is predictably good, that He loves us, that He is patient and compassionate and kind, that His plans (and His timing) are perfect.

Amen? Amen.