Ship me out tomorrow.

My head is swimming. My heart is pounding with excitement that I cannot fully express into words.  I sat down at Border's today, with Color magazine in hand--"the magazine for the rest of the world," the tagline says-- and was reminded of the vastness and the diversity and the numerous possibilities that life offers. The world is bigger than I thought it would be and I am eager to explore it, to meet and build meaningful relationships with other character's in God's story, to visit the many places He's built and created, to experience life as fully as I can...to maybe, hopefully, join forces with a male counterpart...somewhere down the line...

I want to leave the harbor--for a ship is built to explore the ocean, to carry cargo to various far off places, not to sit and rust in the "safety" of the harbor.

I'm ready.

My sentiments, exactly.

 I think I purposely didn't blog about Christmas yesterday just to fight my tendency to follow the social Christian norms, which involves writing all these spiritual things on and about December 25th.  Plus,  I wanted to go deeper about the meaning of Christmas, not just say what I would normally say...just to say it.  So I really, really thought about it--gave myself a time out, in the privacy of my own room.  As I really tried to think about the realities of what happened the night that Jesus was born, I found myself deeply moved by the fact that Jesus, the Word of God, the Person through whom all things were made and formed, came to earth as baby.  Being a nurse, I know exactly what that entails.  The birthing process is not all that magical.  It's gross. Not to mention, the fact that Mary gave birth in a stable of all places.  Talk about unsanitary.

I ask the question: why would God choose to do this?  Christ, the Savior of mankind, came to earth in such a humble way, when we all know that He is above this. Most of us came into the world in better conditions than Jesus did.  And most of our parents weren't involved in a situation that was nothing short of a scandal (unwed, betrothed, virgin girl pregnant by the...holy spirit??? what the what?!).

Jesus came into this broken world, through a less than ideal situation.  The King of Kings and LORD of Lords, was a carpenter's son, impoverished and on the bottom of the social totem pole. 

So, what?

I think I spent the last ten years of my life just focusing on my moral bankruptcies as a sinner during Christmas and my depravity which "caused" Jesus to come in this way. This did nothing for me in terms of really appreciating the significance of the occasion. I've come to realize that thinking in this way leads Christians to view God as someone who "had no other choice." That doesn't sound like a very loving God, or a God who actually cares about His creation.  I think God actually wanted to give humanity a fighting chance.

I think God wants Christians to view Christ's birth in heartfelt awe and admiration, which is hard to do when we're trying to so hard to wrestle up some sort of emotion about Christmas, but all we seem to come up with is (a) nothing significant or (b) residual guilt from focusing too much on how sinful we are & yadda yadda.

Of course, recognizing our sin and the fact that we are broken, sinful people is important.  True repentance is not possible without admitting to God, and also importantly, to ourselves, our own brokenness, shortcomings and failures.  How can we truly be moved to follow Jesus, if we don't have a truly moving reason to do so?

But to focus also on God's plan to bring Jesus into the world as He did, not just our sinfulness, is deeply moving because it demonstrates God's love and His tenderness towards us and our human condition.

It's so subtle, yet so grand. The birth of Jesus, His humble beginnings and His compassion towards the broken, the poor in spirit, the marginalized and the hurting was all part of God's plan to save us.  Not only from Hell, but from the "hell" that we experience here on Earth.  Jesus came the way that He did so that He can connect to us in our brokenness and we can find hope in Him when life, or our shit, threatens to overpower us.  What makes this so significant is that Jesus has been there.  He himself knows brokenness. He is also called the "man of many sorrows." I think this is why He connected with those who were hurting, not just physically, but socially and emotionally.

Christ's birth and His life & ministry is also particularly significant when one reflects on all the rules and particularities of being holy and following the laws in the Old Testament.  Praise God that we don't have to focus on rituals! It is this freedom in Christ that should bring us to worship Him and to live our lives for Him.  In this way, we are inherently motivated by love and awe, instead of just fear.

There is true and real comfort in thinking about the realities of how Jesus came to earth and how He lived His life.  If anything, it should be what truly motivate us to worship and adore Him.

I'm funny. "It's a strength."

Since my blog is usually a place where I dump, or unload--if you will--my deep thoughts and profound reflections, I don't think that it necessarily showcases the fact that I'm a really funny person. And you, apparently, need to know this. I don't know why I feel like I need to talk about this, but we'll just go with it...

It's been a running joke between me and my good friend, Kendra. We both like to affirm ourselves (and each other) in how funny we both are--which I think is funny, in and of itself. It may be subjectively funny... though I'd like to think that it is also objectively funny.

I'm feeling particularly funny right now. Though, the only outlet I have is facebook (and now blogger). Wow, that is sad. And I'm in Fresno (or Fres-negatory) for the holidays, which I feel, is a really boring place to live compared to living in Southern California. Yeah, that's right. La Habra is the shit. Well, comparatively. It's not La Habra, per say, that is the shit, but it's proximity to everything else...that is the shit. Disneyland from La Habra: 15 minutes. Disneyland from Fresno: 4 and a half hours. See?

I think being funny is not only a strength and a social catalyst...I think it's also a great defense mechanism. I think I become extra silly when certain life situations threaten to undermine my already loosening grip on the brighter side of life. The stress of nursing school will do this. I recall having a worm-off with a friend of mine right before taking a midterm. Yup. In the classroom. This only came up because I was intent on learning how to do the worm the night before, when I had a midterm to study for, a research paper to write and clinical hours to complete that week.

A few nights ago, when I was out with some friends from out of town, I ordered a sex on the beach, which apparently was 3 parts vodka and 2 parts juice. You know, I try...but I don't hold my liquor too well. Especially when I was halfway into the drink just a few minutes after it was set down before me (I think I was feeling particularly angsty that night). This guy named Gregg joined us and it was interesting to meet someone new under these.... terms. I was kind of buzzin, or "thoroughly relaxed." And me being "relaxed" equals me having no filter whatsoever. Not that I have much of a filter anyway, but I was saying things to him that I normally wouldn't have said to an attractive guy that I just barely met. Plus, he was there to catch up with my friend Elise. Part of me feels kind of bad for sort of just...taking over the conversation. By the end of the night, he was mostly talking to me, though I think he was mostly making fun of me. In hindsight, everybody else at the table seemed to be laughing at me, too. My friend Tim had posted some things that I said on facebook. You know it's a good night when most of what you say is deemed quote worthy by a software engineer, who usually only appreciates dry humor. Anyway, my sassy/feistyness earned me a side hug from Gregg at the end of night (score!), which was nice. Hah. It was nice to know that he thought I was funny. Or maybe he thought I was a freakin' weirdo. Doesn't matter, cause it's unlikely that I'll see him again.

So being funny. A strength. Haha, not sure where I'm going with this anymore. I just want to let you know, people who read my blog, whoever you may be, that I am a funny person.

Perfect Timing.

My roommate and I were discussing God's perfect timing yesterday. We both believed and consented to the fact that whatever happens to us, whatever circumstance we find ourselves in--whether good or bad--is all part of God's sovereignty over all things and His amazing ability to orchestrate everything for the purposes of His glory, our sanctification and the deepening of our relationship with Him.

However, I think I only say that God's timing is perfect when something good, or more specifically-- when something that makes me feel good, happens. In that context, I have no problem saying that God's timing is perfect. After all, the word "perfect" is associated with bright and shiny things. Things like getting engaged, getting married, getting a job that you've always wanted, getting money, a new relationship, having a baby, graduation...and the list goes on.

But what about everything else? Like losing a job? Break-ups? Divorce? Raw revelations of trauma and past hurts? Death? A car accident? Sickness?

Or...what about... getting pregnant at 14, out of wedlock, and the father is not the man you are betrothed to? How much more convenient it would've been for Mary to be pregnant when she was already married to Joseph. How much more "perfect" the timing would've been if that were the case.

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

I can imagine Mary wondering this as she and Joseph journeyed to Bethlehem while she was 9 months pregnant, to give birth to Jesus in a manger, a stable filled with smelly animals and hay instead of the comforts of her own home.

Perfect doesn't mean it has to feel good, but it does mean that God is accomplishing something in our lives, at this very perfect moment. Whatever comes up or feels weird this Christmas season, I hope that you go deep with God in those things in order for Him to work those things out for your good. We're meant to converse with God about our pain and our trials. It is unproductive to just blame our sin, or ourselves, or other people. No, that's too easy. I believe this is a very practical application of Romans 8:28 and also Philippians 2:12b-13: "...work out your salvation WITH fear AND trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

We gon' be ok.

you an' me
we gon be ok
no matter
what life
throws our way

whether it be
lemons,
or curve balls
or
unexpected snow falls

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through lightning
storms,
complacent norms
filing out IRS tax forms

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through weekdays,
or holidays,
or friends
that may drift
away

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through birth pains,
or side laughter pains,
social awkwardness,
or social network gains

you an' me
we gon' be ok

tension

changing perspectives, ever revolving, like shiny, glass doors in front of a department store, glimmering with promises of something new. stretched beyond the boundaries of former thought, the strain of tension hold taught to it's breaking point. eyes closed, breath held in, waiting for the sudden break in silence.

Nothing sweeter.

I woke up this morning feeling very loved. I was greeted with calm and peace. And I'm going to sit in that and cherish it.

Thanks Jesus.