I was just thinking and reflecting about what it means to really live for God while I read a brief synopsis of the life of Dietrich Boenhoeffer.

There are a lot of competing priorities when it comes to truly surrendering to God and really seeking His will for our lives--and I think there always has been.  Christians are human beings who want good things for their lives: successful careers, happy marriages, healthy relationships, being able to do the things we are passionate about...but often outside of seeking God first or surrendering to what He wants and trusting Him to provide the good in his perfect timing.

I struggle with surrendering.  It seems scary.  There's a lie floating around that surrendering to God means that we will be completely unhappy, that we will begrudge living and rue each day that comes.  I don't really know what surrendering to the will of God means right now. Part of me is sweating the trivial things like wondering if people will think I'm less "cool," will people judge me and think I'm legalistic (ironic, right?), etc.  I feel like an idiot admitting that right now.  Jesus died for me on the Cross and I'm worried about being cool. Hmm.  Other people were/are thoroughly convinced that Jesus was/is worthy dying or being imprisoned or being tortured and maimed for.  That's convicting.

I think in some ways surrendering might just mean seeking after and finding contentment in the place where I am at. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. Letting myself be. Generally accepting my circumstance: the good, the not-so good and the painful, but also actively listening to the still small voice and being obedient to step in whichever direction He leads me. More importantly, I think surrendering is simply listening to God and letting Him lead me instead of me telling Him what I am going to do with my life...

I've had to reevaluate my life and my priorities recently. I am asking for wisdom about what the next step is and I think God wants me to change my attitude about work and to view it as a place to really seek out ways to pour into people: patients and co-workers alike. I think He brought about an opportunity to travel with Coleman Associates doing their CHAMP internship program because He wants me to help my clinic in other different ways, to learn from Coleman and bring back what I've learned to my clinic to help us see more patients and continue to make a significant impact on Skid Row.  I think God wants me to learn how to be faithful in going to community group and continue to seek ways to get plugged into my church.

I think I've spent so much time psyching myself out or rationalizing myself out of throwing myself into God's arms.  I know and have known for awhile that I want nothing else than to be faithful to what He has called me to do and I refuse to believe that I will live disdainfully if I do.  I think it will be quite the opposite because God is predictably good.

I can't settle for anything less anymore.

I was sitting in my car, eating some chips and reflecting on my day. I do that often--minus the eating chips part.  I like to sit and debrief with myself when I get home.  I don't rush out of the car. I just like to sit.

I was thinking about the phone call I just received regarding a promising opportunity to travel.  This opportunity had come up before in October, but I let it fall through the cracks because it didn't seem like the timing was right, or there were just things surrounding the issue that didn't seem right. So I didn't pursue it.  I was surprised this company had called me again 4 months later.  I am excited. I don't know what this means or if this is a new chapter in my life beginning to unfold.  There are still some things that need to fall into place, like approval from my C.E.O and my direct supervisor to allow me to travel for a week at a time every other month or so.  I am praying, though for God's perfect will, for peace and direction for me and those involved in this decision.  And holy crap, duh, I would so want to do this!  I am young and I am thirsty for adventure.  I want to experience all that this life has to offer. I want to use all the gifts that God has given me.  I don't want to live a life that is mediocre, that settles for what's comfortable and familiar. God, send me out! I am ready.

I am blessed to have a direct supervisor who genuinely looks out for me.  She's like an older sister to me.  A bold, wise and spirit-filled Christian woman.  She has told me on different occasions that she wants to keep me close, to support me in whatever way that she can.  I am quite in disbelief about this, actually.  That someone whom I have only known for a few months has taken on the role as my strongest advocate in the place where I work.  A few weeks ago, while I was sitting in her office, she told me that she was excited for me and my future and I quote: "Your future is so bright. Girl, I have to put sunglasses on when I am around you. Amen. And I will hold this excitement for you, until you can take it from me."  I was beside myself.  I told God that I wanted to be like her when I "grow up."

With all that to say, I am glad she is on my side. I know that it's a very tangible representation of God's love and encouragement for me.  And I am not sure what I did, but like grace, her favor or God's favor is not something I can work for or deserve.  As much as I like to write and express myself, I can't really find the words to say how deeply moved and thankful I am of this.  Therefore, I know whatever decision she makes about the next step of my career is for my good and it is comforting to know that she will seek prayer about it.

Life. You never know what you're gonna get.

I am a thinker and an externalizer. I am compelled to speak my mind and my heart's mind. I feel my emotions strongly and therefore they are ornamental on my demeanor, my sleeves and on my face. Yet, upon knowing this about myself, I feel the pull of hesitancy about being frank about what I really think or how I really feel.  There are many factors that contribute to this: fear of judgment-- what would that really mean about the state of who Linell is; fear of who may actually stumble upon this very public website--I do want to protect people, even if I feel like kicking them...in places that hurt.

Anyway.

I say all of those things because I was thinking about the nature of pain.  Pain is probably the realest reminder that we have about how small and human we truly are. At least, that's what pain is for me.  Pain is such an abstract ideal, yet it pierces deeply. Maybe that's why we either idolize it to the point of being victimized by our vices, or we pretend like it doesn't really exist, that our nerves are enforced with steel.

Pain.  We refuse to talk about it, we rationalize it, we ignore it, we engage it and grab it by the horns, we surrender to it, we hate it, we learn from it, we don't learn from it, we grow or we grow bitter about life and our circumstances because of it.  It's the drive the pushes us to express ourselves. Musicians, artists and poets create from the pain of longing, or want, or confusion. Pain can be good and is often the basis of our inspiration-it's a unique consequence for living life, even more so for those who seek to live life abundantly.

I examine my pain--the sharp and the dull aches,  and the heart-wrenching, the feeling like I just got the wind knocked out of me every time I remember kind of pain.  I hate it. I hate hurting. I feel the nagging poking and prodding in the pit of my stomach that sometimes makes me want to hurl very heavy and fragile things out of my bedroom window.  In moments of emotional and physical exhaustion it can often feel like despair and though hope is as near as a whispered prayer, it can also feel so far away. 

And as much as I hate hurting, I also know that it is what keeps my hope and my faith alive. Though I hate talking about my pain, I can't help it.  I know that often times the best way to move on and move forward is to bleed it out until it can no longer bleed.  I know that the hurt is what throws me into the arms of God and into the love of people.  Pain pushes me to seek healing, pushes me to grow. I have found that pain in my life have been the markers of transition from one season to the next. Ergo, pain is a beautiful thing.

Still, it's not easy to acknowledge the hurts.  It's so difficult to accept and embrace the pain. Sometimes accepting the pain might mean there is something about myself--a harsh reality or truth, or lie that I need to face.  I find that acceptance is difficult to embrace when something might make it seem like I am not good enough or worthy enough of being loved for who I am.  It's hard to accept that someone can walk away from me, after giving so much of myself to them because a part of me believed that it could've been a lifelong investment.  But such is life--relationships come and go and we can't marry everyone that we date.  It takes courage and a degree of maturity to grow deeper into relationships--and we are all at different stages.   Sometimes it takes two people simply being on the same page.

But feelings are feelings and they suck.  And break-ups are a bitch, or something more ornery than one. 

I hate my pain, but I also am working towards accepting it. I find that writing about it helps. I find that letting people know that I am hurting helps because inevitably I know that I am ok and that I will get better. And they affirm that for me, too.  I also know that pain is a major constant in life and I don't want to be paralyzed by it.  I want to be able to thrive amidst the hurting, while giving myself space to break down or let things crumble once in awhile.  God promises to rebuild the things that He has broken and I hold that promise close to my heart.  It's the best salve for my pain, for anyone's pain.

I wrote the following excerpt a year and a half ago, reflecting on Mary's unique situation--a bethrothed woman, a virgin, chosen by God to carry the Savior of the world in her womb... and the cultural/emotional hardships this might have brought up for her and Joseph...

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

Pain and disappointment have been my bosom buddies over the last few years--if you read through this blog, you will see what I mean.  Some of it was self-inflicted, but most of it are residuals from my familial history--which directly have affected some of the decisions I have made in the last year that have only left me hurt and crestfallen.

I have spent a lot of time today rationalizing, finding reasons to help me make sense of my most recent disappointment.  I've lamented about life and reached out for prayer.  I've also sought counsel and wisdom and community.  I see God's hand in things, but I also feel like I'm ready to be anywhere else but here. But I know there's no place I can really run away to, anyway, since my baggage(s) is (are) my constant companion(s).

The tension between believing in God's promises but waiting for them to come to fruition has never been easy for anyone. I often think about why God wants us to learn to wait on Him. But I've discovered that the waiting isn't meant to be rational or logical since God is not human and His ways are higher.

Frankly, its hard to sit in the fact that a year ago from today, life was painful and hard, mostly because of a very difficult family situation that had surfaced.  God made Abraham wait 90+ years before He gave Abraham the son, the heir, that He had promised, so is it obnoxious for me to think that a year later my life would be drastically different? That I wouldn't be hurting? I mean, my life is different today than it was a year ago and God has carried me through some of the hurt that 2011 had to offer, but I think I'm mostly disappointed that I am still hurting...about the same things in some ways and hurting in some new ways, too.  I do look forward for the ways that God will heal me and I know, or at least choose to believe that He will redeem the pain and turn it into something beautiful. Ergo, hope is not too elusive.

But Lord knows I'm ready to catch a break. I'm ready for something different.