memoirs of a d r i f t e r

He will surely come.

2011-10-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

I've been home sick the last few days. I came home Monday afternoon from work and felt somethin' abrewin' and sure enough-- had a fever by 7pm, with my nose completely congested by the time I woke up the next morning. It's some kind of Upper Respiratory Infection that I probably picked up from working in a clinic on Skid Row. It's mostly likely a new "bug" that I picked up because I can't remember the last time I've had to stay home sick for such an extended period of time. It was weird because I would spike a fever around the same time every night. I guess the viruses in my body decided that 5:30 in the evening was the best time to have their block party. I'm praying that this isn't the case tonight because (a) my boyfriend and my best friend are coming over for dinner and (b) I do want to eventually go back to work...

I didn't intend to blog about my illness, however. I wanted to blog about God working amidst it all.

The interesting thing about all of this is that this week was dedicated to fasting. The church that I've been going to for the last few Sundays implemented a church-wide fast, to pray and ask God for direction in our lives as individuals and in the lives of those in leadership at church. Since I work a fast-paced, on-the-go, nursing job at a clinic where anything can happen... I knew I couldn't completely fast from food, but I felt like the Holy Spirit was nudging me to fast from other things that I turn to or find comfort in instead of sitting with God in my discomfort. These things include, TV (including shows I watch online), movies, comfort food (like Thai food, fried chicken and Sun Chips), coffee (I'm an addict in denial), facebook and music.

I knew deep down that there have been some things that I haven't allowed myself to process since I've moved to Burbank. With a new season in life--a new job as a new nurse, a new surrounding, a new church, a new boyfriend--comes a lot of processing. And I was keeping myself busy, or inundated with external noise. I knew that I felt kind of disconnected to myself and to God, but I wasn't really making the effort either to do anything about it.

God's timing is perfect, however, in that the week I decide to fast from external noise, I also have to stay home. Sick. No tv. No facebook. No movies. No music. Just me, my Bible and my thoughts. Oh and Jesus, of course. He is bringing up a lot of things, things that I feel would take up a whole nother blog post to explain...but in these things, I see how he wants to heal my brokenness and bind my wounds (Psalm 147:3).

Part of my frustration is that I thought I was all "fixed." That I didn't have to worry about any of those past hurts, etc. But I do see that God wants to fully restore me--even though it will take a lot more time than I originally planned. Haha. It's a place of vulnerability that I am hesitant and naturally unwilling to sit in. I do have hope, however, because God is predictably good. And in my life, He's only proved His faithfulness, love and power...time and time again.

Furthermore, I found great encouragement in Habakkuk this week. I learned this week that the main theme in Habakkuk is how God uses a wicked nation (Babylon) for his divine purpose. This is of course in reference to God using Babylon to punish Assyria and Judah. And amidst this dark time, the words that God speaks to Habakkuk are the following: "...For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Behold, his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by faith." (Habakkuk 2:3-4).

In that time, those who were followers of God, who were caught up in the ugliness of war and all that comes with such a horrible thing, were urged to live by faith. They had no other choice. Without faith, they would lose hope. They didn't know what was going to happen, they had to trust that God is a good God. The righteous must choose to remember how God has proven Himself to them, most especially during a time when things didn't make sense.

This is applicable in many ways for many people. We all go through hardships and dark times and in those times, we must live by faith. We must live and trust God's goodness in the day to day, since we are essentially blind to what the future may hold. Even when negativity and self-pity, bitterness and discontent are constant companions, we must choose to see beyond them and think about what it means to live by faith, to trust that God is all knowing and faithful, that He is predictably good, that He loves us, that He is patient and compassionate and kind, that His plans (and His timing) are perfect.

Amen? Amen.

More thoughts on self-disclosure...

2011-06-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

I think public self-disclosure can be looked at as either glass half-empty or glass half-full...

I've been contemplating for some time now if it's necessarily a "bad" or "unwise" thing to be so open about my personal experiences in walking this life of faith. I admit that my propensity to share what is going on in my life is an ineffable sort of inclination. I honestly feel that I have to share, that it's somehow knitted very strategically into the person that God has made me to be.

In some circles, self-disclosure is totally and completely accepted, or at least, not as abhored or viewed as distasteful. However, I do think that most well-meaning Christians are socialized to view it as a foolish thing. That emotions are to be disregarded and thrown out, or dumped out, like waste-products, instead of looking at them, sharing them, trying to see where they come from. Then again, most well-meaning Christians don't value the process of self-examination and will go to great lengths to avoid looking at their sin issues in a more microscopic and meaningful way. Not to completely digress, but in regards to the process of self-examination, I think overgeneralizing sin and our struggles as human beings--and not giving respect to the roots and causes of our specific struggles--is actually a clever and unintentional way, Christians have used to avoid themselves, or the uglyness of who they really are. How can we truly appreciate the cross of Christ and what He died for, if we don't truly see who He actually died for? I feel like we only tap the surface sometimes because we're afraid of what we might see. It's understandable. The Bible does say that we are depraved beings.

Anyway. I do see the pitfalls of public self-disclosure. There is a degree of oversharing that is, in fact, weird. But does it deserve judgment? No, I don't think so. Do people who overshare want attention? Yeah. But like everything else that we do, there is an underlying reason for why we do what we do. People who share want to be seen, which I believe is a basic human need. Who doesn't want to be noticed and given affirmation for who they are? Christians seek out God and we want to be seen by Him. It's not wrong to want that or acknowledge that it is a need. We are children of a most High God and like children, we want to be seen. Even Hagar acknowledges this in Genesis 16:13, as she sat in the desert, because a jealous Sarah ran her out of her house--for having the audacity to actually get pregnant with Abraham's child (though it was Sarah's idea to have them sleep together in the first place). But God meets Hagar in the wilderness, amidst her pain and troubles and blesses her. And her response is so beautiful, "You are a God of seeing,' for she said, 'Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."

Ok, I digressed again. Sorry. So yes, people who view self-disclosure as a way to only get attention and affirmation from others aren't completely off base. But again, I don't think it's necessarily wrong. And I think that some people may judge self-disclosure because they themselves don't understand it. We reject what we don't understand. On the other hand, people who refuse to share their personal stories and their emotions have their own underlying reasons for keeping it to themselves. Maybe it's fear. Fear of judgment. Fear of rejection. Or maybe it's pride. A refusal to show weakness, or admit weakness. Or maybe it's ignorance. Some may be completely unaware of their own crap, so they have nothing to share. I think it's important to know why we share or don't share because I believe the way that people share with others directly affect how they share their lives with God. And He of all people deserves our transparency...

Clearly, I am biased towards a more transparent way of living. Again, part of me feels like I just can't help it, sometimes. I see how God is moving and working in my life and I don't think He wants me to just keep it to myself. There are times that I share because I seek solace in the company of others, the comfort of people who care and love me. When it's a more generalized audience, I think I share because I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggle and in a way, I think I am seeking affirmation for myself that I'm not alone, either.

Whatever the case may be, I sincerely believe that there is more eternal value in being sincere and transparent with others, than not. Not that it's easy. Because it's not.

Toodles.

Can't sleep?

2011-06-17T00:55:00.000-07:00

why not sign up for tumblr: http://twiddl-dee.tumblr.com/

What am I doing?

2011-06-09T00:36:00.000-07:00

I don't mean to pose that question in a negative light. I really am kind of wondering what is happening in my life right now. It's a kind of wondering that involves meandering, thoughtful, consideration of the past couple of weeks and what I've been doing with my time. Other than studying for the NCLEX--the biggest test of my life--I've mostly been hanging out with friends, soaking up the bit of time left that we have here together, taking advantage of the fact that we are still around the area and most importantly-- we don't really have actual responsibilities (i.e mortgage, marriages, car payments, children, etc.)

I am kind of amused at how easy things seem to be going right now. I wake up, study throughout the day, go to random exercise classes at the local 24 hr fitness (Zumba is my new favorite activity), or hang out with friends and watch movies (or play guitar hero), or play intense games of... Fishbowl. I'm not complaining. This is NIIIIIIIICE. I'm even bobbing my head as I say it.

Haha. I'm 26 years old, which I revealed to a new friend of mine who apparently thought I was 22 or 23. This came up because he asked me when I would want to get married--I didn't think anything of it, mostly because he seems like the kind of "dude" that just asks questions (plus, he's happily girlfriended). I realized I was kind of disappointed that I had to admit how old I actually was. I think I wanted him to keep thinking I was younger.

I guess hanging out with people who are a few years younger than me would make me slightly self-conscious about the fact that I'm 26. But it really shouldn't.

This is all correlated in someway...it's one big train of thought. I think me being 26 and still kind of living the life of a "youngin" makes me wonder if I should be doing something more.... "mature." I don't know. Maybe I should just be thankful with where I'm at. And I am. I also believe that I am exactly where God wants me... so who cares what sort of internal judgment I'm projecting onto this situation right now?

What do most 26 year olds do, anyway?

Bah. Well, who cares. I am enjoying myself and living life in a new way. I feel really free. And I'm excited for what's coming in these next few months...in the next year! At the same time, I'm enjoying each day as it comes, too. I have a feeling I should soak up this season of my life. Take it for what it is.

After the Fact...

2011-06-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

I am a college graduate.

It's been a long time coming for me--maybe that's why the post-college feeling is all the more sweeter, smoother even. I feel very blessed--especially because I have a job. A job that I am ecstatic and giddy about. If you had told me a few months ago that I would have a job right out of school, I would've laughed very obnoxiously in your face. My expectations were very low, mostly because those kinds of things don't really happen to me. If you've read my blog over the last few months (or years), it's pretty evident that I have been dealing with a lot of disappointments and discouragements--from either external situations or my own internal experience. So, why would I expect anything else? This isn't meant to sound depressing or hopeless--I think my low expectations were equal parts humility and acceptance of my low estate, with maybe a mild tinge of self-pity.

Anyways, I think I really had reached a point of honest to goodness humility...and surrender. God had brought me to that place and I wasn't going to fight him anymore. Don't get me wrong--it's a good place to be, but it did take quite a bit to get me here. However, I still came up with some semblance of a plan--because I'm a woman and a woman who likes to plan things. I called it PLAN B and it entailed going to bartending school and working at a bar in downtown Fullerton and maybe nannying, too. I was even thinking about revisiting my days as a barista and planned to work at starbucks or any coffee shop that would employ a person with a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing. All I knew was I wanted to be with people and talk to people, to be in the world and not of it, to be in ministry through relationships with people who are different from me, to love them as Jesus did... to love them as Jesus as has taught me to do.

But God still blessed me with a job that I would've given my left arm for. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration. I probably wouldn't have torn out a limb to work at a clinic on Skid Row, but I remember despising the thought of working at some adult medical-surgical floor just for experience--but I was going to buck up and do it if I got hired at a hospital. However, God saw my heart and what I desired to do with my life and He is gracious enough to give me the opportunity to work with homeless people in downtown L.A... as a nurse.

Oh man, there's still so much to say. Because...God not only blessed me with a job, but also brought reconciliation in my life. He has taught me what true forgiveness is and what it means to entrust this process to Him. Things with my family had been the brunt of my spiritual and emotional distress and I didn't even think we would be whole come graduation time. But the goodness of God prevailed. I doubted His goodness and His love and may I never do it again--at least not anytime soon.

Over the years, I had become wary of saying "Glory to God," because I came from a background where those three words were dropped like it's hot. But they were empty words, without meaning, without real understanding, without real substantial and heartfelt belief.

But today, I can say it. GLORY TO GOD. Those three words hold the last 5 years of my life, the ups and the downs--mostly downs-- the trials and the heartaches, the blessings of new realizations, the struggle in wrestling with God amidst the pain and most importantly--real and honest surrender, a willingness to let go of control of my life because God has proven His sovereignty, care, love and provision.

I pray that I will carry and hold true to this very important lesson in my life as I move on to a new chapter...

Acceptance.

2011-05-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

I spent Monday and part of Tuesday up in Idyllwild, CA. I had never gone on a solo retreat before--I guess I never saw the need for it. But in light of recent events and ever growing burden on my weary heart, I knew I needed to go.

It was a gorgeous house on top of the mountain, surrounded by nature and I had it all to myself. The owners, a couple who heard God call them to build this retreat center, really provided a place of safety, comfort and peace. It's a place dedicated for weary travelers to find their center once again in Jesus.

I had never been happier than when I was sitting alone in that huge house by myself. There was silence and the grandiose view of mountains and towering pine trees. I even went on a hike to a place called "Inspiration Point." And I sat there for hours just reflecting on my life, amidst nature, and connecting with God in a way that I hadn't in a long time.

It was there on the mountain top that I was able to see clearly all the burdens that I had been carrying: anger, resentment, holding on to a sense of control and not wanting to let go of it, most importantly--an unwillingness to accept my life and all the pain and hardship that I have endured and my personal struggles that I battle with on a day to day basis. I wrestled with the thought that I merely had to accept the pain, when pain is, well, so painful. What would that acceptance mean? Would that mean that I would allow myself to sit in that pain? Does that mean I can't always expect God to do something about it? Does that mean accepting that God may never do anything about it?

It was good to get away, to think, to process. But as soon as I came back down from the mountain--I saw that life didn't change. I wasn't really expecting it to. It's still hard and I still have my issues. However, it's like my pain had never been quite so blatantly exposed in front of me. The difference is, though I wrestled with it for a while last night, I woke up tired and humbled this morning. I need to accept my life and my pain. And I think I am doing that as I sit here blogging about it. I woke up this morning and called to mind truth that God is in it with me, working in me and bringing me to a place where I will see that it is worth it. I don't know when that will be but I'm not trying to put a limit on it anymore.

The paradoxical nature of acceptance is letting go of my need to get away from pain in order to bring God in. Trusting in God then means that I'm not simply sitting here, but digging deeply into the root of my pain and working through it to find healing.

With all that to say, I accept my life. I accept my humility. I accept that restoration may happen, or may it not happen the way I want it to. I accept that restoration may mean something completely unexpected. I accept the unexpected. I accept my pain and the sadness that comes with it from time to time. I accept the not-so-ideals, the unfulfilled desires, the blessings in disguises, and the waiting. I accept myself and who God has made me to be, even the parts that seem less desirable to others--especially to myself-- the parts that God is currently renewing and restoring. I accept that God is good amidst the pain, that He is present whether or not I acknowledge it.

I accept it all.

It is good.

2011-04-12T19:07:00.000-07:00

Today, I sat outside a cafe in downtown Fullerton. I sat on a paisley cushion atop a white wicker chair, taking in the eclectic outdoor patio decoration at Cafe Veronese. I lazily sipped on coffee, in between bites of a decadent chocolate cake. I let my eyes feast on the vines that grew along the fence, and I giggled softly because I loved the sight of yellow flowers speckled throughout. I listened to the fountain and let the sound of the water coax me into a more peaceful mood. The sun gleamed softly, its warm light reflected by the white tiled table top, touched my face like a gentle kiss. A gentle and cool breeze caressed my hair and the edges of my mustard yellow skirt. The sky was clear and the clouds were like cotton balls, arranged messily in groups of threes and fours.

As I sat there, I marveled at my inner peace. I felt genuinely thankful for life and that I could enjoy the little things. That things like yellow flowers, chocolate cake and 74 degree weather still makes a substantial impact on my soul.

The last 8 weeks or so have been, well--for lack of a better term--a doozy. If you had told me that by week 10, I would be so relaxed and so peaceful, that I would be stuffing my face full of cake, I probably wouldn't have believed you. I might even have told you that you were effing crazy.

I guess it just goes to show that I am still one of little faith. Well, it's a growing faith. It's still quite miniscule. But, I do see it growing stronger. Getting bigger. More bold. Less afraid. And this peace that comes with it is most definitely a gift of grace, from God, who I am convinced today loves and cares about His people. That He loves and cares about me.

It's not like I did anything extra special either. Neither has much of my external situations changed--other than the fact that I'm mostly done with school projects/presentations. There are still quite a few aspects in my life that are less than ideal.

I think I realized this last Friday, that if Jesus can calm a raging storm and churning waves, if Jesus can still the mighty ocean, then His power is sufficient to bring about peace in whatever life situation I find myself in. It's so good to see His power and His work within me. Especially because I have not held back from showing Him/telling Him about what I truly think and feel about the crap that has happened. I feel like I really, truly wrestled with all that has been going on. Being honest with myself and with other people. It certainly has not been easy.

As I sat there and ate my cake, I thanked Him for listening. I thanked Him for caring about my humanity and giving space for my emotions. I thanked Him for helping me overcome my fears and for helping me see a side of surrender that I have never seen before. I looked at where I've been and where I am now, in this place of substantial peace--I see that I have gained a better sense of what it means to trust God. It's really amazing. It's almost ineffable.

So yeah. Today is a good day. I want to enjoy it.

Lastly, I want to end with a verse that seems to make more sense to me now than it ever has before:

"For this I toil, struggling with all His energy that He powerfully works within me." [Colossians 1:29]

Toodles.

Procrastination.

2011-03-30T16:15:00.000-07:00

GUHHHHHHH.

I have a buttload that's due over the next few weeks. And what am I doing?

Cleaning my room. Doing Laundry. Organizing the CD's in my car. Watching "Tangled."

What should I be doing?
Academic Literature Survey (due Monday)
Calling medical agencies in Bell Gardens, CA for a community project that's due in 2 weeks
applying for nursing jobs
...among other things

I hate not being motivated just as much as I hate doing homework. I'm most definitely not someone who puts a ton of effort into homework, especially when I would rather be having fun. I often wonder how this is going to translate into day-to-day life for me. In my defense, when I really want to do something or really interested in something, it's not work for me. I hate school. I hate the busy work. I just want to be free from all this. Bring on the real world.

Ok. I'm done venting. Off to find research articles related to the ethics behind reporductive technologies so I can write a 5 page paper on it. I'm setting a goal for myself to have it done by today. So I can have a time to just chill on Sunday and enjoy my 6 hour break between classes on Monday.

Ready. Set. GO!

My encouragement today.

2011-03-11T20:03:00.000-08:00

"The LORD will fight for you, and you only have to be silent." [Exodus 14:14]

Sometimes, life is just overwhelming. There's only so much I can do. I see the extent of my weakness yet again. And I must and choose to believe that God cares and that He is working in ways that I can't even begin to imagine.

I truly believe that God is using that verse and this song to remind me that He cares about me in ways that I don't fully realize yet.

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
my life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
He hears me when I call

[almost there]

2011-02-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

eyes timid and apprehensive,
pupils delighted by
luminescent hues of refreshing moments.

modest claims of change,
leaves a joyful stain on a face
with cherubic enthusiasm.

Hope--a little worse for wear,
but never out of fashion.

re: Stacks

2011-02-03T17:47:00.000-08:00

This song is beautiful. It's about the burdens that we all carry as human beings or the "stacks" that we accrue over the years as we wade through less than ideal situations--imperfect families, sinful predispositions, death of a loved one, or a death of a dream, unfulfilled expectations and disappointments that lead to meaningful life changes, suffering caused by our own decisions or the decisions of others. The list goes on. In the somberness and simplicity of Bon Iver's song, in his recognition of the broken, yet beautiful way that humans continue to strive with their own inherent shortcomings and the shortcomings of others, there is a haunting and freeing sound to his melody. The last verse of the song says: This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization/It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away/Your love will be/Safe with me. I think of Jesus. And how anything is possible in His strength. It's not that He gives us super-human strength. He gives us His reassurance, and a fresh perspective. Yet, even the supernatural strength of the Holy Spirit is immensely practical. It makes us resilient, while keeping us humble. And the beauty of resilience is the freedom that we gain from the gradual mitigation of the stacks on our backs, as we pursue emotional and spiritual growth with fervor and passion.

Inspiring.

2011-01-28T10:02:00.000-08:00

I really love art and the various ways that it is expressed. Art and its expression gives life to the mundane. Photography is my favorite art form.

This is a dear friend, Angi:

and she takes pictures like these:

You can find more of her work [here]

Reset

2011-01-20T10:46:00.001-08:00

refresh.
restart.
renewed.

Today feels different. And I don't really know what that means because I've yet to develop an appropriate vocabulary for new experiences.

But I think this is a good thing. At least it feels like I'm one step closer to wherever I'm supposed to be.

After the Storm

2011-01-13T09:36:00.000-08:00

This song was playing in my head when I woke up this morning, these words in particular:

There will come a time you'll see
with no more tears and love will not break your heart
but dismiss your fears
get over your hill and see
what you find there
with grace in your heart and flowers
in your hair...

On Sin and Digging Trenches

2011-01-12T13:16:00.000-08:00

Since I've been on vacation and I have nothing imminent or pressing to attend to in the mornings, I find myself laying in bed, trying to unravel, or solve, life's mysteries within the first hour of my awakening.

This morning was no different.

My alarm went of at 9:00 but I was well awake before then, thinking about my life and random aspects of it. And while I was laying there thinking, the idea of sin floated through my mind. What is sin? And what ignoring sin or pretending like something isn't a sin can do for a person's soul. I pictured a determined scruffy young man, digging a trench in the country side somewhere. I don't know why he's digging this trench, but he's determined to get to something or maybe to escape from some unwelcomed unhappiness that has recently entered into his life. Somehow, in his toil and sweat, he finds satisfaction in the digging and as he gets deeper into his trench, in his mind, he's productively escaping from whatever it is that he's running from. However, as he digs deeper, he realizes that he's dug himself a hole that he can't climb out of. And he tries for sometime. But the dirt walls of this trench crumble apart as he tries to find his footing. Eventually he gives up. He sits there, at the bottom of his trench, feeling more hopeless and forgotten than he ever has before. He begins to think that death would be better than sitting alone in the darkness.

I've come to realize that living according to God's standards extends beyond the Ten Commandments (thou shalt not lie, or covet your neighbor's plasma screen, or steal it, etc). I think God gave Moses the Ten Commandments as a prototype, or model, a bullet point summary, if you will, of what God really wants out of His people--which is absolute devotion to Him. I am 99% sure that God wants me to find my happiness and joy in Him. I know that God wants me to include Him in my daily life, to be at the center of every big life changing decision, to spend most of my time thinking about Him, and to love Him more than I love anything else in this world, including my family, my significant other (if I had one), my friends and most especially, myself. And I know that He also wants me to treat other people well because He made them and thus I should respect and give worth to what He's created.

So, then, in light of all this, what is sin? The best and most sincere definition I can come up with right now is that it is an action, that begins with a thought that seeks to serve myself and causes harm to myself, my relationship with God and/or with other people. Furthermore, I think the issue of sin goes deeper, goes beyond just the act. Like the trench digger, I believe that people find themselves "in sin" when life becomes less ideal, or find that waiting on God's timing, or believing that God is good, seems pointless at a particular juncture in time. Sin begins as an impulse, when shovel first meets dirt--whether it's in rebellion or impatience, or hopelessness that leads to self-destruction.

I met a guy a couple of weeks ago at an Irish pub in Santa Barbara when I visited a friend for her birthday. He bought me a snakebite (pear cider and beer) and we proceeded to engage in a light-hearted conversation that quickly became a more deep and meaningful one. He told me that he used to recruit strippers for a local strip club, which was an interesting conversation in and of itself, but he immediately followed that by telling me that he was perpetually drunk. He asked me why I thought he was always drunk. I looked at him for a few seconds and said, "is there something about your life that you don't want to think about?" He smiled and raised his fist in air and said, "I hate my fuckin' life! It's pretty shitty. And my mind never stops thinking so I just drink till I'm happy." I told him that that made sense. People around us, raised their glasses. Of course, those who laughed and agreed with him were having a horrible week, too. One guy in particular said that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him on Christmas day and also tried to run him over with her car. He bought shots for everyone before he stumbled out of the pub to the next.

Humans, no matter how christian we are, cannot help ourselves from falling into sin, or digging our trenches. Especially, when we engage this broken world and entangle ourselves with broken people. I am not much different from those two guys I met at the bar. I get it. I know that the only thing holding me back from getting drunk off my ass is something supernatural, which is an overactive conscience, i.e. the Holy Spirit. So, that's one trench that I have yet to start digging, not to say that I haven't started several. I am an impatient, impulsive and selfish person after all. I know that sin becomes such a tantalizing option when the waiting gets too long, or when life is too overwhelming to engage or participate in, or when people are hurtful.

Sin is sin and it is the very reason why God sent Jesus Christ to die on the Cross, to pay the death penalty that sinning against God requires. And because of this great act of mercy, there is always hope for sinners like me: God's grace is the ladder that comes down into my trenches and helps me climb out of it. And His love is what welcomes me back home with a hug and warm cup of chamomille tea. Mmm.

I know that I've lived the majority of my Christian life, trying not to sin. But I've recently thrown that template for life out of the proverbial window because a human being simply cannot just NOT sin. If we could just stop, then Jesus wouldn't have had to make the ultimate sacrifice. Contrary to popular belief, becoming a Christian does not make one less human, if anything it makes one more aware of their humanity. This is not to say that Christians shouldn't try to leave our shovels in the tool shed, if you know what I mean. But that's what this whole Christianity thing is about, choosing to live for God and believe that He is good and that He loves me, instead of choosing to throw caution to the wind, to seek after things that last about as long as an impulse. It's trusting that His options are better than my options, that they promote a much more healthy outlook on life. That waking up and remembering that I have been blessed with so much is less depressing, and more productive than dwelling on how lonely I feel. That being sober is much healthier than being drunk. That waiting to have sex until I'm married will significantly decease the emotional turmoil and heartache in my life that would surely come, if I share such an intimate moment with other men. That spending time reading about Him is much more enriching for my soul than wasting the day away, intentionally avoiding it.

That life is meant to be lived intentionally seeking after and enjoying the presence of a good God, no matter our circumstance, and remembering His grace and forgiveness when we feel like our faith is small and our doubts are overpowering.

Unravel

2011-01-09T16:24:00.000-08:00

a soul can be a never-ending
line of knots and twisted things
formed into a noose,
to threaten the livelihood of one
man's being

a soul may never know
the wide open spaces
it was meant to roam,
falling into the depths
of fear,
before it can make its way home

a soul may never know
fully the vastness of its Creator,
as it fashions for itself
rules and regulations,
subjecting itself to
shallow externalizations

a soul is meant to seek its
Master, unhinged and unhindered
from the threats of the former
misgivings and
misconstructions,
lies and contradictions,
unexamined proclamations,
of truths without contemplation,
of the implication
of truth's real meaning.

a soul is meant to be meaningful,
and full of life,
a reflection of the One,
who breathes life
into being.

The One Where Kendra locks herself outside.

2011-01-08T19:56:00.000-08:00

There are some days that are just more eventful/funny than others:

My roommate and good friend, Kendra feel that our lives, separately and together would make for good tv sitcom material. Our tv sitcom would be called: Our Neighbor, Luigi-- In honor of our eccentric and endearing neighbor, who is 45 years old, lives with an asian man (no relations) and his mother, who frequently leaves the house to walk her poodle (dyed pink, of course), with her hair in rollers, and a cigarette hanging loosely on the corner of her mouth.

Anyway, this morning, Kendra had a friend come over for breakfast. And being a nice friend that she is, she decided to walk her friend out to her car, unbeknownst to her at the time that she, out of force of habit, had locked the door as she closed it. Kendra realized her dilemma when she attempted to let herself in. She wasn't too worried, though, because she knew that her trusty roommate, Linell, would hear the doorbell/ knocking and let her back in shortly.

And in true sitcom fashion, where timing is everything, this is about the time that I decide to take a shower. While I was in the bathroom, I heard the distant clinging of bells, but since I didn't realize that we had a doorbell--how I missed this, I am not sure--I thought that I was just hearing things. I had been taking a lot of aspirin lately for pain, so I thought I developed a case of tinnitus and made a mental note to quit my pill-poppin.'

So, while I was showering, Kendra decided to walk around our apartment to my bedroom window and started knocking on it, thinking that I was still on my bed sleeping. Of course, I was in the bathroom, so I didn't hear anything. Kendra wondered to herself how deep a sleeper I was and also asked the age old question: "Why, God, Why?" With nothing else to do, but to wait and hope that I would answer the door at some point, Kendra decided to pull some weeds in our backyard. She also watered the plants on the front porch and emptied water that had pooled in one of the trashcans that we keep outside.

Still unaware of what was happening outside, I was taking my sweet time in the shower room. When I finished, I sat in the middle of my room and pondered about what to do with my day and why I was hearing bells. I must admit that I was mildly concerned. At this point, my good friend Julianne called me. We were on the phone for some time, when I heard loud knocking at my window. I froze for a moment, until I heard a familiar voice say, "Linell? Linell? Can you...let me in?" Then all of a sudden, it was like a lightbulb turned on in my head: "OH. I wasn't hearing bells...there was someone ringing our doorbell. And it was Kendra. Wait, we have a doorbell?"

So, Kendra was finally let in and she filled me in on her eventful and productive morning. We laughed about the incident for sometime. Kendra saying that her life is like a sitcom and I agreed that funny things do happen to her. The best part is how she can turn a frustrating situation into something hilarious.

Then we decided to get make the most of the day by getting coffee and beignets at the Jazz Kitchen in Downtown Disney. It was also in honor of Team Gordo, a term originating from the fact that Kendra and her cousins love to eat junk food and lots of it when they get together. I've recently become an honorary member when I joined the family for Thanksgiving dinner this past November.

After we got back, we watched a few episodes of TLC's "Say Yes To the Dress." Kendra watched, while I mostly judged. I think the woman who needed three wedding dresses was kinda ridiculous.

Haha, what a day. And it's not over yet. Two new friends from Newport, Josh and Dave, have decided to pick me up and take me to Newport to hang out. Haven't done anything quite so spontaneous in quite some time. But it definitely makes life more interesting.

Toodles.

The Civil Wars: Poison & Wine

2011-01-05T07:47:00.000-08:00

I get to see these guys play Monday night @ Bardot in Hollywood. I am really excited. This is currently my favorite song of theirs. It's just a very heartfelt song. I think we can all relate to some aspect of it--if we've ever felt the push and pull of finding ourselves in love with the wrong person...

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give, the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice, but I still choose you

Oh, I don't love you, but I always will
I always will...

A belated Happy New Year's to you.

2011-01-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

Proud to be, a minority: me, the token asian :)

This picture is really funny to me, not only because Sam and I are the only people actually looking at the camera (the other three were looking at Jimmy, who was drunk, who decided he wanted to take a picture, too), but because it was probably the most normal moment we had on New Year's eve. It wasn't a bad night, per say. But it was definitely weird. In New Year's eve pasts, I've kept things pretty low key, but I decided to join my friends in Newport this year, because I wanted to do something different. And to be completely honest, I had no idea what to expect.

I guess the weirdest thing that happened to me was that I got kissed by a woman that I didn't know. Yup. After going to a couple house parties, my friends wanted me to experience this really shady bar called Pierce Street in Costa Mesa. There was also promise of dancing and people watching, two things that enhance my life considerably. When we got there, and after narrowly escaping a fight that broke out in the woman's bathroom (that smelled more like weed than anything else), my friends and I headed out to the dance floor. Drunken people were abound, people of all shapes and sizes: cougars and dirty old men, women who wore too much clothing and women who wore too little, college freshmen, gangsta wanna be white men, OC housewives, guys who looked like they were Italian mobsters, standing along the sidelines, eyeing the dance floor greedily for their next prey... and the list goes on.

The DJ was playing some pretty fun music and amidst me doing the robot and other fancy moves, I noticed a woman, probably in her late 30's walking over to me. I am not really sure why I just stood there. I probably should've run away. But it all happened so quickly. She flung her arms around me and said, "I don't know you, but I loooooooooove you!" and kissed me briefly...on the lips. I basically ran away from her, ran from the dance floor and found Sam who was sitting by the bar. I told him what happened and how mortified I felt. He looked at me and said, "well, at least, somebody got kissed by a woman on New Year's." I replied by punching him in the arm.

It's funny now, but still gross. Haha, I got kissed by a girl. And I didn't like it.

Toodles.

Ship me out tomorrow.

2010-12-28T19:57:00.000-08:00

My head is swimming. My heart is pounding with excitement that I cannot fully express into words. I sat down at Border's today, with Color magazine in hand--"the magazine for the rest of the world," the tagline says-- and was reminded of the vastness and the diversity and the numerous possibilities that life offers. The world is bigger than I thought it would be and I am eager to explore it, to meet and build meaningful relationships with other character's in God's story, to visit the many places He's built and created, to experience life as fully as I can...to maybe, hopefully, join forces with a male counterpart...somewhere down the line...

I want to leave the harbor--for a ship is built to explore the ocean, to carry cargo to various far off places, not to sit and rust in the "safety" of the harbor.

I'm ready.

My sentiments, exactly.

2010-12-26T16:19:00.000-08:00

I think I purposely didn't blog about Christmas yesterday just to fight my tendency to follow the social Christian norms, which involves writing all these spiritual things on and about December 25th. Plus, I wanted to go deeper about the meaning of Christmas, not just say what I would normally say...just to say it. So I really, really thought about it--gave myself a time out, in the privacy of my own room. As I really tried to think about the realities of what happened the night that Jesus was born, I found myself deeply moved by the fact that Jesus, the Word of God, the Person through whom all things were made and formed, came to earth as baby. Being a nurse, I know exactly what that entails. The birthing process is not all that magical. It's gross. Not to mention, the fact that Mary gave birth in a stable of all places. Talk about unsanitary.

I ask the question: why would God choose to do this? Christ, the Savior of mankind, came to earth in such a humble way, when we all know that He is above this. Most of us came into the world in better conditions than Jesus did. And most of our parents weren't involved in a situation that was nothing short of a scandal (unwed, betrothed, virgin girl pregnant by the...holy spirit??? what the what?!).

Jesus came into this broken world, through a less than ideal situation. The King of Kings and LORD of Lords, was a carpenter's son, impoverished and on the bottom of the social totem pole.

So, what?

I think I spent the last ten years of my life just focusing on my moral bankruptcies as a sinner during Christmas and my depravity which "caused" Jesus to come in this way. This did nothing for me in terms of really appreciating the significance of the occasion. I've come to realize that thinking in this way leads Christians to view God as someone who "had no other choice." That doesn't sound like a very loving God, or a God who actually cares about His creation. I think God actually wanted to give humanity a fighting chance.

I think God wants Christians to view Christ's birth in heartfelt awe and admiration, which is hard to do when we're trying to so hard to wrestle up some sort of emotion about Christmas, but all we seem to come up with is (a) nothing significant or (b) residual guilt from focusing too much on how sinful we are & yadda yadda.

Of course, recognizing our sin and the fact that we are broken, sinful people is important. True repentance is not possible without admitting to God, and also importantly, to ourselves, our own brokenness, shortcomings and failures. How can we truly be moved to follow Jesus, if we don't have a truly moving reason to do so?

But to focus also on God's plan to bring Jesus into the world as He did, not just our sinfulness, is deeply moving because it demonstrates God's love and His tenderness towards us and our human condition.

It's so subtle, yet so grand. The birth of Jesus, His humble beginnings and His compassion towards the broken, the poor in spirit, the marginalized and the hurting was all part of God's plan to save us. Not only from Hell, but from the "hell" that we experience here on Earth. Jesus came the way that He did so that He can connect to us in our brokenness and we can find hope in Him when life, or our shit, threatens to overpower us. What makes this so significant is that Jesus has been there. He himself knows brokenness. He is also called the "man of many sorrows." I think this is why He connected with those who were hurting, not just physically, but socially and emotionally.

Christ's birth and His life & ministry is also particularly significant when one reflects on all the rules and particularities of being holy and following the laws in the Old Testament. Praise God that we don't have to focus on rituals! It is this freedom in Christ that should bring us to worship Him and to live our lives for Him. In this way, we are inherently motivated by love and awe, instead of just fear.

There is true and real comfort in thinking about the realities of how Jesus came to earth and how He lived His life. If anything, it should be what truly motivate us to worship and adore Him.

I'm funny. "It's a strength."

2010-12-24T12:36:00.000-08:00

Since my blog is usually a place where I dump, or unload--if you will--my deep thoughts and profound reflections, I don't think that it necessarily showcases the fact that I'm a really funny person. And you, apparently, need to know this. I don't know why I feel like I need to talk about this, but we'll just go with it...

It's been a running joke between me and my good friend, Kendra. We both like to affirm ourselves (and each other) in how funny we both are--which I think is funny, in and of itself. It may be subjectively funny... though I'd like to think that it is also objectively funny.

I'm feeling particularly funny right now. Though, the only outlet I have is facebook (and now blogger). Wow, that is sad. And I'm in Fresno (or Fres-negatory) for the holidays, which I feel, is a really boring place to live compared to living in Southern California. Yeah, that's right. La Habra is the shit. Well, comparatively. It's not La Habra, per say, that is the shit, but it's proximity to everything else...that is the shit. Disneyland from La Habra: 15 minutes. Disneyland from Fresno: 4 and a half hours. See?

I think being funny is not only a strength and a social catalyst...I think it's also a great defense mechanism. I think I become extra silly when certain life situations threaten to undermine my already loosening grip on the brighter side of life. The stress of nursing school will do this. I recall having a worm-off with a friend of mine right before taking a midterm. Yup. In the classroom. This only came up because I was intent on learning how to do the worm the night before, when I had a midterm to study for, a research paper to write and clinical hours to complete that week.

A few nights ago, when I was out with some friends from out of town, I ordered a sex on the beach, which apparently was 3 parts vodka and 2 parts juice. You know, I try...but I don't hold my liquor too well. Especially when I was halfway into the drink just a few minutes after it was set down before me (I think I was feeling particularly angsty that night). This guy named Gregg joined us and it was interesting to meet someone new under these.... terms. I was kind of buzzin, or "thoroughly relaxed." And me being "relaxed" equals me having no filter whatsoever. Not that I have much of a filter anyway, but I was saying things to him that I normally wouldn't have said to an attractive guy that I just barely met. Plus, he was there to catch up with my friend Elise. Part of me feels kind of bad for sort of just...taking over the conversation. By the end of the night, he was mostly talking to me, though I think he was mostly making fun of me. In hindsight, everybody else at the table seemed to be laughing at me, too. My friend Tim had posted some things that I said on facebook. You know it's a good night when most of what you say is deemed quote worthy by a software engineer, who usually only appreciates dry humor. Anyway, my sassy/feistyness earned me a side hug from Gregg at the end of night (score!), which was nice. Hah. It was nice to know that he thought I was funny. Or maybe he thought I was a freakin' weirdo. Doesn't matter, cause it's unlikely that I'll see him again.

So being funny. A strength. Haha, not sure where I'm going with this anymore. I just want to let you know, people who read my blog, whoever you may be, that I am a funny person.

Perfect Timing.

2010-12-20T18:55:00.000-08:00

My roommate and I were discussing God's perfect timing yesterday. We both believed and consented to the fact that whatever happens to us, whatever circumstance we find ourselves in--whether good or bad--is all part of God's sovereignty over all things and His amazing ability to orchestrate everything for the purposes of His glory, our sanctification and the deepening of our relationship with Him.

However, I think I only say that God's timing is perfect when something good, or more specifically-- when something that makes me feel good, happens. In that context, I have no problem saying that God's timing is perfect. After all, the word "perfect" is associated with bright and shiny things. Things like getting engaged, getting married, getting a job that you've always wanted, getting money, a new relationship, having a baby, graduation...and the list goes on.

But what about everything else? Like losing a job? Break-ups? Divorce? Raw revelations of trauma and past hurts? Death? A car accident? Sickness?

Or...what about... getting pregnant at 14, out of wedlock, and the father is not the man you are betrothed to? How much more convenient it would've been for Mary to be pregnant when she was already married to Joseph. How much more "perfect" the timing would've been if that were the case.

I'm no longer convinced that hard things happen outside of God's perfect timing. It sounds like such a fundamental thing to say, but I feel that is necessary to state the obvious. Most Christians, including myself, view the harsh realities of life as a byproduct of our horrid state of mortality. And while it is true that pain and suffering exists because the world in which we live in is sinful and broken, this does not necessitate the attitude of contempt for the pain in our lives and the lives of others. How quickly are we to place blame on ourselves or others when life seems to be falling apart, as if we were in full control of our circumstances.

Sometimes, we can even get so pissed when life seems to be hard during seasons that should be happy. Or we even negate that God has anything to do with the problems that surface during this time of year.

How is this timing, "perfect?" Why now?

I can imagine Mary wondering this as she and Joseph journeyed to Bethlehem while she was 9 months pregnant, to give birth to Jesus in a manger, a stable filled with smelly animals and hay instead of the comforts of her own home.

Perfect doesn't mean it has to feel good, but it does mean that God is accomplishing something in our lives, at this very perfect moment. Whatever comes up or feels weird this Christmas season, I hope that you go deep with God in those things in order for Him to work those things out for your good. We're meant to converse with God about our pain and our trials. It is unproductive to just blame our sin, or ourselves, or other people. No, that's too easy. I believe this is a very practical application of Romans 8:28 and also Philippians 2:12b-13: "...work out your salvation WITH fear AND trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure."

We gon' be ok.

2010-12-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

you an' me
we gon be ok
no matter
what life
throws our way

whether it be
lemons,
or curve balls
or
unexpected snow falls

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through lightning
storms,
complacent norms
filing out IRS tax forms

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through weekdays,
or holidays,
or friends
that may drift
away

you an' me
we gon' be ok

through birth pains,
or side laughter pains,
social awkwardness,
or social network gains

you an' me
we gon' be ok

tension

2010-12-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

changing perspectives, ever revolving, like shiny, glass doors in front of a department store, glimmering with promises of something new. stretched beyond the boundaries of former thought, the strain of tension hold taught to it's breaking point. eyes closed, breath held in, waiting for the sudden break in silence.

Nothing sweeter.

2010-12-13T10:29:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling very loved. I was greeted with calm and peace. And I'm going to sit in that and cherish it.

Thanks Jesus.

Loneliness

2010-12-12T13:28:00.001-08:00

A friend told me about a woman, in her late 30's, who's never been married and travels the world as part of her photography ministry. This woman talked about dealing with loneliness as a single woman and the realities of the struggles that she faces. She made an astute observation and realized that the overwhelming power that loneliness can often have on an individual is directly related to, if not, a cause of, fear. Fear that is rooted in insecurities-- she is not loveable, not wanted, that she isn't special enough, that the negative things she perceives about herself are actually true causing her to be undesirable. There is fear in the unknown, of what the future will--or will not--bring. And there is fear that the feelings of loneliness will never go away, that she is to succumb to its grip every time it comes knocking on the door of her consciousness. But then she says that at this point, she writes the word "loneliness" on a piece of paper, straps it into the front seat of her Prius and takes it for a drive down the streets of Newport. Loneliness then looses it's firm grip. And she overcomes.

I just want to meet this woman, give her a high five and say "You go, girl!"

I found this story to be, pardon my early 90's lingo, "too legit." She is a woman who is no stranger to loneliness and she doesn't quit living her life! And I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in her late 30's, living in a context, where the ideal format for living a "good" life is being married and having 2.5 kids...

She says that she has learned to sit in loneliness, allowing herself to face the lies and insecurities that threaten to rob her of her love for life and her inner joy and peace. I admire her for this. She works things out, talks to Jesus about it, fights to see what is true about herself and what is not. Most people, including myself, cannot sit in this seemingly dark and unhappy place. We do whatever it takes to avoid it. Some people make themselves busy enough, or never allow themselves to be alone. Some people jump from relationship to relationship, never dealing with their fears and the pain and the angst that is going on inside.

I am inspired by this woman. She reminds me that the feelings of loneliness are not things to succumb to, but should be faced with courage and resolve.

Crack(ed) head

2010-12-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

The mind is such an interesting, overlooked thing, in terms of how most people don't realize, how the way we think can really affect how we live our lives. Well, I guess it's only overlooked and ignored in some, if not most, conservative Christian circles. Or conservatives in general, like the baby boomer generation. What is their deal, anyway?

Perceptions are key to how we handle the stresses, good or bad, in life. See Lazarus's Theory of Stress and Coping. Lazarus talks about cognitive appraisals, or the way that we evaluate the things that happen in our lives. He says that we can view things either as irrelevant occurrences, benevolent happenings, we can view things as challenges to overcome, and sometimes stress is seen as a threat, harmful, to our everyday living. The way that we appraise the events that happen in our lives depends on several antecedents: personality, values system, and most importantly, our background, our histories--our past. Ho, yeah. The past can really screw us over.

This is where I see the value in psychoanalytical therapy, or what I like to call as "reliving the hell that I worked so hard to forget." Haha. I think people may see the first two syllables of the word and run for the hills. "Psycho" is not just an Alfred Hitchcock movie. In latin, the word "psycho" means "mind." Ergo, psychoanalysis is studying a person's mind, trying to figure out the root causes of frames of thinking or behaviors that are detrimental to living a life in freedom and wholeness. People are not always "crazy" when they are in therapy. This is a stigma that I hope will fade away someday. There are plenty of normal-ish, functioning human beings who go to therapy because they have amazingly shitty pasts. I think therapy, or counseling, is immensely practical. Sometimes we just need all the help we can get in trying figure out why we think the way we do. Some people may feel trapped in all the nonsense that they believe about themselves, the misperceptions they may carry about a group of people, how they think people see them, and/or how they view relationships. Therapy is a great way to gain some perspective, which is a stepping stone to a more healthy way of thinking and living. We are wholistic beings after all: mind, body and spirit. All three parts need to be addressed and cared for.

I don't think there would be much argument against the fact that there are definitely unhealthy ways of thinking, unhealthy ways of appraising life and all that it entails. Some would say that we should just pray these unhealthy things away. Some would say "just read your Bible." Some would say that being in a romantic relationship would probably help fix all of that. Some would suggest relocation, whether physically, or socially, seeking new friendships or grafting oneself onto a new support group. Some would even play the denial card, or the illusion card, saying that those "things" are just a figment of your imagination. The thing is, no matter what people say, we are our own constant companion. There is no escape from our minds, our thoughts. And that can be a scary overwhelming thing. It's no wonder people want to plead ignorance. Our minds have the capacity to hold such painful, incomprehensible, seemingly abysmal ideas.

Ok, why am I even blogging about this? Why am I blogging, period? I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! GAH.

haha psychoanalyze that.

An Ode to Clive Staples Lewis

2010-12-06T00:34:00.000-08:00

A man who had abandoned his childhood christian faith when he was 13, only to find it again 20 years later. He is a beloved author and respected intellectual. I truly appreciate what he has contributed to literature, as a whole, and more importantly his profundity, in dissecting and operationalizing the ins and outs of what it means for him to be a follower of Jesus. He didn't grow up following traditions or set standards. He wrestled and thought through about what it means to be a Christian for the sake of following Jesus. The following is a collection of quotes that I feel reflect that:

"The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us."
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"I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity."
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"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."
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"I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God- it changes me."
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"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
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"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
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"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
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"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
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"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. Those who knock it is opened. "
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"It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence."

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"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?"

Better?

2010-12-05T09:50:00.000-08:00

"When I have really transacted business with God on the basis of His covenant, letting everything else go, there is no sense of personal achievement— no human ingredient in it at all. Instead, there is a complete overwhelming sense of being brought into union with God, and my life is transformed and radiates peace and joy." [Oswald Chambers]

Reflecting on my life feels so much more productive than studying the ins and outs of Quality Care Management in the nursing profession. Don't get me wrong, I think that stuff is important. I just feel overwhelmed with everything else that's going on in my mind. I need to vent.

The theme of my life as of late has involved trying to re-wire my mind about what it REALLY means to follow Jesus and love God. Not that I have everything figured out. Not that my ultimate goal is to "figure things out"--Hah, maybe if I tell myself this enough times, I'll actually believe it. I've left the safety that I used to find in the black and white, or the conservative Christian traditions that I spent most of my life in. The problem that I've been seeing in my own heart is how my actions--my church going and my bible reading and my christian speaking--were not rooted in a love for Christ, or God, but a love for self. Yeah, not good.

It's kind of a rude awakening. I'm still reeling from it. Still trying to find my bearings. If I could diagnose my mental state right now, I would say that I have mental vertigo because I'm not entirely sure what's up, down, right, wrong, better, worse. And yes, sometimes I feel nauseous about it all. If only I had the special ability to encapsulate these thoughts and lay them aside while I deal with nursing school, instead of everything sort of blending together and overwhelming the hell out of me.

I think to help cope, I've tried to generalize my inner angst and externalized it by blaming "the church." I honestly picture a big white building with a tall steeple and a cross on top. I've somehow villainized the church because it's been hard to admit my own shortcomings. It's easier to blame other people for your issues.

The church is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I, too, often try to convince others that my convictions are right and better, instead of letting their own thought processes and the holy spirit guide them through life. While it is true that I have felt rejection from people in the church that I had trusted so much, I have to remind myself that I have rejected many individuals as well in my own self-righteousness. I will plead ignorance, however. Ignorance of my own sinfulness rooted in my desire to want to be better than other people.

Ok, where am I going with this? Oh, right. Well, back to the title of this post. "Better." The conflict that I find in myself, because I am a complex human being, is how I categorize all of what I'm experiencing--the past and the present. There are days when I think that living in the security of the "bright and shiny," the Glory-be-to-God-if-we're-martyrs-for-His-Kingdom framework would be better than this ever growing awareness of my own spiritual bankruptcy. It's a phenomenon that I've affectionately named "Sitting In My Shit." Prior to wading in my own crap, life was happy. Well, it was happier because I was doing all the right things and was recognized for it. I felt good about myself and my holiness. I was in leadership, involved in ministry, sat on a pedestal for all to see. But that "good" feeling was fleeting. In hindsight, I felt empty. But I guess, it was better in a sense that it was relatively easier. Life's less hard when you think you're effing great.

But is sitting in my shit better? 75% of me says "YES!" This is keeping things real. Keeping things in the right perspective. Where in the bible does it say that I have to be bright and shiny? Am I supposed to rejoice in the LORD because of the circumstances of my life and my self-esteem, or am I supposed to rejoice in HIM because of who He is--regardless of my circumstances? I am a flawed human being. Lots and lots of flaws. I am getting in touch with a lot of these flaws. I can name most of them. I have specifics. It's no longer a generalized "I am broken and a sinner" schpiel. It's no longer false humility. I KNOW I am messed up. And I could potentially tell you exactly in which ways I am broken and what specific sins I struggle to overcome. A lot of things have been opened up in my life and there's no going back. It would be foolish to put bandaids on huge open sores or to ignore these wounds because infection and gangrene is a real problem, says the aspiring nurse.

Is this better? It's not the kind of better that you would put in a bottle and reproduce in massive amounts to sell to all your friends. It's not the kind of better that Joel Olsteen tries to sell in his books, that tries to "help" people be a "better" them.

With all that to say, I can't ignore that fact that I feel less empty than I used to, when I was doing all the "right" things. I feel more alive now than I ever have--angsty, maybe angry, a tad bit resentful, confused, but alive. But I don't like feeling confused. I like having all my ducks in a row!

I don't know how to end this. I don't want to just say something that I'm supposed to say or come full circle just cause that's what good writers do. While the venting did help, I'm going to be honest and say that I haven't come full circle about my life in the last 20-30 minutes that I've spent writing all of this down. I do see the good in all my wrestling, but there's still a part of me that's on the fence about it all.

What I can say, with all confidence is this: Jesus loves me. He's here with me, ever present with me on this journey. He is not condemning me or judging me. His Spirit is with me, guiding me and encouraging me, giving me peace amidst the confusion.

No Zombies

2010-11-30T12:41:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about life, praying, reflecting on the past couple of days--
my red fleece blanket and I joining forces to combat the coldness of my apartment.
With the feeling coming back to my toes and fingers, I felt the rawness of it all...
...the stripping of the things that I used to find security in, leaving me feeling naked and vulnerable,
my newfound friendship with a lesbian couple, who welcomed me into their home and offered me tea and wonderful conversation, and how I felt Christ's presence so palpably there...
...wrestling with what it means to be a Christian and to follow God outside of the "should's" and "should nots" that our christian culture offers as the means to follow Christ "rightly..."

What does it all mean?
What does it mean for me?

I feel like I'm awakening.

I am coming alive. The person, the individual that Jesus made is waking up from her zombie-like state.

The One in Which Hosea marries a Ho'...

2010-11-22T19:11:00.000-08:00

Not to digress too much, but the post title is inspired by my current obsession with "Friends." I was never really allowed to watch it when I was younger, which was probably a good thing. Now that I'm a grown-up, I find it so funny. And laughing is like a drug that I cannot ever get enough of...

Anyway,

I've never really reflected on the book of Hosea before, mostly because I don't understand it and it makes me uncomfortable. Honestly, the whole story of Hosea and Gomer seems so sick and twisted and cruel. But I think some part of me connected to Hosea today. The notion that God often asks us to do things that we don't understand and asks us to do things that are seemingly, or blatantly, outside the status quo is kind of hitting me in the face right now. Not that I'm doing anything in particular that speaks to this. I ain't speakin' to no burning bush outside my house and I'm not about to marry a male prostitute, at least God hasn't communicated that to me....yet. But in any case, it's good to be reminded that just because things are hard/weird, or doesn't seem to be making a lot of sense and people are not necessarily jumping on your bandwagon and advising you to get off it--it doesn't mean that it's outside of God's will. A wise man, by the name of Mark Twain once said, "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

In Hosea's case, God told him to marry a prostitute, in order to demonstrate His active pursuit of the wayward and adulterous Israel and how He eventually wins them over (in their surrender) because of His unfailing and merciful love.

I asked myself, what in the hell do you suppose people around Hosea thought about this little ordeal. Hosea, being a prophet of God, finds himself a woman on the street who sells her body for sex and marries her! I can't even imagine how that would play out today! What did people, that Hosea was trying to reach, think about that? More profoundly, what was Hosea thinking/feeling through all of this? Hosea, being a mere human being, might've wondered, 'why me?' Maybe I'm psychoanalyzing this too much, but I believe that it's in the Bible for a reason and those reasons, I believe, are in part --but definitely not limited to--- the usual overstated explanations (i.e revealing God's true nature, seeing ourselves reflected in Israel's disloyalty and unfaithfulness, etc). What if we siphoned out a sense of reality from all this? Old testament characters might be ancient, but that doesn't make them less human than we are now.

As I continue to think about Hosea, I think about the realities of living a life with the intention of following Jesus. The pursuit of God, in our feeble attempts to stay true to what He is asking us to do, which SO goes against the grain of our selfish nature, will cause a lot of physical, emotional and mental tension. And this tension, this wrestling that can lead us to a degree of distress and agony--should we choose to engage the hard realities of life--is us wrestling with our own human limitations. Limitations can be our selfishness, or underlying issues that stem from our past experiences, which can often disrupt the happy, bubbly world we desire to live in.

So with all that to say, maybe Hosea's ordeal was not just for Israel to learn from. Maybe Hosea had to learn a lot about himself, too.

Whatever it is that we find ourselves wrestling with, it's good to remember that God has our backs. And that He's not allowing us to go through hard situations just for the "fun of it." He's always purposeful. And through each hard thing that we endure--fiery trials, dark nights of the soul, a season of drought, etc-- He teaches us, not just about Him, but about US and He makes us a better version of ourselves. He makes us more Jesus-like.

And that...was a lot of self-preaching.

No sleep for 13.5 hours.

2010-11-21T08:17:00.001-08:00

Overthinkers alike would probably agree that while we are reflective people, we are also kind of neuroticly negative & tirelessly critical. I almost envy the "glass half-full" individuals, who see the world through their rose-colored glasses and never think to dig deep or overturn anything that may come their way. Overthinkers may be more self-aware, but self-awareness may often slip into misery if allowed to run its course unchecked.

How nice it would be to just "be."
To not have to analyze every. single. minute. detail/emotion/day-to-day happenings.
To just be in the moment and love it. Love the people, the place, the thing that I'm in the moment with.
To don those rose-colored glasses and breathe in rainbows, and spew out glittering messages of happy-go-luckiness.

I reflect on this because the nurse that I am currently precepting with at Children's Hospital of Orange County spews nothing but hearts, rainbows and lucky stars. I spent 12 hours with her and she was a blast. Mostly because she is noticeable happy in a very genuine way. She may be blissfully ignorant, but I think she chooses to be that way. Or maybe she's not. Who knows? I just assumed that she was ignorant of life's troubles because I'm a jerk. Overthinkers, like me, are often cynical of people like her. The overanalyst in me wondered what sort of hidden pain she must be concealing from herself. Then I stopped myself. Who the hell cares? The woman is freakin' happy. Let her be happy. I realized that I could learn something from her.

I want to be a reflective, deep person. But a happy one. I guess I don't really want to be less self aware. But I guess I don't want my self-awareness to impede on the fact that I'm supposed to have joy exceeding from the depths of my soul. I don't think Jesus meant for me to be dwell on the negative. It's about time that I change that.

...

2010-11-14T22:57:00.000-08:00

when life feels shitty, or when we are reminded of how shitty it can be, this a great promise to cling on to:

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." [Ephesians 3:20]

Un-accidental.

2010-11-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

These thoughts came to me a few moments ago, and I feel compelled to share: "Suffering meets its turning point when we are able to say, 'Lord, let Your will be done.' And it no longer becomes suffering, but a heart of surrender."

In my young life, I've discovered that lessons learned from various seasons of life often find a converging point--a focal point, if you will. And this focal point is likened to a coat rack, and every coat that I've managed to collect over the past few months can be hung upon it. I titled this post "Un-accidental," partly because of the devotional today in Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest devotional blog and partly because I came to this focal point through a series of purposeful events. Anyway, the devotional from O.C's blog says:

The circumstances of a saint’s life are ordained of God. In the life of a saint there is no such thing as chance. God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you can’t understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you...

I read it this morning and my mind was floored. I was drinking my homemade breakfast smoothie and my mouth dropped open, causing some of the smoothie to leak out the corner of my mouth. It was very unattractive. But I was struck with the profundity of Chamber's words and I felt that God was speaking very clearly to me. Smoothie could leak out of my nose, for all I care. In that moment, a light bulb had turned on in my brain.

It was like my life was flashing before my eyes and circumstance after circumstance were being projected onto the forefront of my mind. I am truly amazed at how God has used people, books and life events to bring me to this focal point of surrender. All the hard things that have happened were not for nothing. I knew this in my head, of course, having grown up in church, but this idea has finally dropped down the 12 inches from my head, to the very bottom of my heart.

I have been reading Surrender to Love by David Benner and the book couldn't have found its ways into my hands at a more perfect time. This is what I love about God's providence and His sovereignty. His sovereignty is not so that He can wield it to show off how powerful He is, His sovereignty is for my good, for my transformation, for my heart to grow more in love and in awe of who He is.

And I've found, that adapting this heart of surrender and being mindful of it, life seems...smoother. It definitely has its bumps in the roads and those bumps simply remind me that God's ways are better and I can trust that things will smooth out, according to His perfect will. This kind of attitude definitely causes me to have a heart constantly bowed in prayer, lest I look away from Jesus and I find myself panicking and sinking slowly into the churning abyss of anxiety, like Peter did (Matthew 14:22-33).

With all that to say, I don't mean to pat my back for all these things that I'm learning. If it were not for God's love for me causing my own love for God to grow over the years, I wouldn't be here.

We know that all things work together for good to those who love God . . . —Romans 8:28

Life Quixotic

2010-11-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

I find that the more I have to do in a week, the more time I spend blogging, daydreaming, facebooking, or taking myself out to a nice breakfast...

I woke up this morning and decided that I needed to have a solitary breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. I didn't even try to talk myself out of it. It just felt right. Thus, I drove over to the nearest Mimi's, sat myself down in a small two person booth and allowed the stresses and the cares of the day melt along with the butter on my deliciously warm carrot raisin nut muffin. Each bite was blissfully soothing for my weary soul.

Hah, weary. It's only Tuesday!

But if we look at the big picture, this feeling of tiredness is not just because of the stresses of this week, it's from the past 8 years of my life. Graduating come end of May means more than just receiving my bachelor's degree in nursing. And I am looking forward to not being a student for awhile.

November.

2010-11-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

I love first days of the month. They're like mini-reset buttons in life for me. I woke with a profound sense of newness, that feels as refreshing as the crisp, cool autumn morning.

Anyway, I just came back from a church retreat this weekend. Having spent the last 10 years, heavily immersed in church activities, I am no stranger to retreats. But this one was different. I think it's because the church that I've been attending for the last 8 months has been so different from any churches that I've ever been to. It's so amazingly different that I don't even like calling it a "church," because the word "church" has become a negative buzz word for so many people, including myself. Not the the "church," or the body of Christ, is in any way a bad thing, but Christians, have really botched things up, I think, in presenting the church in a good light. There have been so many people hurt, criticized, ostracized and estranged by the very thing that is supposed to represent the love of Christ to the rest of the world. And it's not only non-Christians, who have been hurt. There are a surprising amount of Christians who have been hurt by the church, too.

So, I like to call my church, a community of faithful people. Because it truly is a community of love and acceptance. Not only does Fountain of Life, loves and accepts those, that I believe other churches would not, but it is a place where God's word is preached boldly, where people are challenged to examine their hearts and encouraged to apply the message of the Gospel in practical, everyday living. I think that Fountain of Life's values are clearly articulated in these words: "Deeper in Christ. Further in mission." It is a place that I've really come to embrace the love of God and have come to grips with the fact that there is no way I can do the will of God, if I do not truly have a deep and heartfelt understanding of His love for me and for His people.

I feel so blessed to have spent the weekend with these people who treat me like I am part of their family. I have never felt so accepted for who I am, just the way I am. I am so amazed to see how God's love is truly transformational and so tangible when His people are intentional about showing it. I am excited about this church family. It's the kind of family that I would bring my lesbian/gay friends, too. I would bring cynics, atheists, agnostics, hypercalvinists, extreme fundamentalists and anyone from any other religion to this place, knowing and trusting that they would be loved and accepted as they are. It is so refreshing for me to realize that I am part of something that really seeks to reflect God's grace. And it's been so challenging for me to to really seek to trust that it is God's love and the message of Christ that transforms a person from the inside out. I am reminded constantly that He didn't require of me to have all my ducks in a row and to clean up my act before I could come to Him. No, He came to Earth. He became a human being. He died on the Cross. He came to me. He reached out to me. And thus, my outreach to others should be in the same way.

This weekend has been about Fountain of Life challenging me to live incarnationally. I realized that I have neighbors all around me that I don't even talk to, people that I can build relationships with and share the love of God with. I am so excited about this, but also kind of scared because I know it's not going to be easy, especially because I can be so selfish with my time and tend to be kind of disobedient. I trust that God will help me, through the Holy Spirit. So I'm being realistic...but still really excited!

Thus, I am looking forward to what November will bring :)

Ms. Bailey Rae

2010-10-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

I love this woman's passion when she sings. Mm.

Beautiful things.

2010-10-25T19:04:00.000-07:00

My grown-up Christmas list

2010-10-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

Ok. So it's almost the end of October, which means that November will be here soon and then Christmas! Not to endorse consumerism and how it taints the"spirit of Christmas" but I'm gonna be honest and admit that I love presents. Baha. And there is nothing I want more than this:

it's a lomography camera from Urban outfitters. I'm gonna pitch the idea to my parents this year, to avoid the usual practical gifts. I think I've gotten towels, socks and vacuums for the last three years! But it's dawned on me that maybe I've never actually told them that I have this artistic/hipster side that is dying to wander around and take pictures like all the other hipster's before me:

Double-mindedness

2010-10-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

The whole issue of "double-mindedness" has strictly been regarded as an issue of straddling the line between worldliness and godliness--trying to follow God, but holding on to thoughts, ideas, or material things that are apart from God. I think that is what James meant when he addressed this issue in James 1:8. But as of late, I've been seeing a different kind of twist to the double-mindedness problem. It's a kind of doubt, confusion and instability that is a byproduct of trying to meet other people's expectations.

I've probably have blogged about the idea that there are unrealistic expectations placed on people due to the "christian standards" that our culture has created. These standards, include, but are not limited to: how a person should dress, how a person should think, how a person should meet their future spouse, how to read the bible, how to have quiet time, how to talk in church, what books to read and what books to not read and the list goes on. I don't want to deny the practicality of having standards, but it seems that those standards, like unwanted weeds in a garden, have the potential to suck the life and liberty and joy from those who are trying to live genuinely in their faith. Furthermore, I think that these rules and regulations tend to ignore the fact that people are created to be different from one another. Trying to standardize Christianity robs us the experience of growing and striving for unity amongst us. Without diversity of thoughts and ideas, the body of Christ will become dull and lifeless.

Anyway, I can speak for myself and my own double-mindedness. It is a struggle for me to really seek out what God wants me to do, to sit and listen to the Holy Spirit and to be genuine in my decisions in life because I have spent most of my Christian life heavily submerged in rules. Most of my decision-making is tainted by thoughts of "but is this...Christian enough? or "what would so and so think about this?" I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this way. And I'm at the point where I'm telling myself, "who the hell cares?" I mean, God cares. Duh. And He's the only Person that I should be answering to, or seeking answers from. Which leads to another point: living life under certain standards causes one to idolize acceptance and affirmation. It would become the sole motivation to live a certain way, if we received external praise for the things we do and say on a regular basis. Because if that's how people judge how christian someone is, then that is what they'll do to prove how christian they are. Sadly, it becomes the basis on which we judge and view ourselves. And it is not right. This is not freedom!

There is a reality to life that is so messy and brilliant and beautiful in its uncertainties, outside of the standards and rules. There is so much that cannot and should not be tamed! And in this beautiful mess, we are meant to wrestle with God and seek a raw and unhindered, un-apprehensive relationship with Him, to experience the fullness of grace and mercy radically and to feel His love even more radically. I feel as though I'm emerging from the darkness of my past bondage and seeing life in a different way. But, there are these flickering images of my past that tempt to take away my freedom in Christ and tempts me to live the way I used to--in fear of rejection, and fear of disappointing people. I see a lot of my friends in this sort of bondage, too, or at least they are trying to break free from it, but it's causing a lot of this double-mindedness.

Not really sure on what note to end on. I feel like that was a lot to say. I do see hope and trust that God is working in all of this. And I'm thankful that His peace overcomes whatever anxieties my double-mindedness turns up.

His burden is light.

2010-10-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite Sufjan Stevens song. Probably my absolute favorite. It really calms my soul and reminds me of the profound joy and peace there is with Jesus.

Vito's Ordination Song:

Real Love

2010-10-05T09:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was reminded that God doesn't just want my actions, or my words, He wants my heart. He wants a true and passionate zeal for Him. He wants me to love Him, for who He is. And more importantly, He wants my love for him to be as real as He is.

I know that my love for God now is less contrived than it used to be. And I think its because I've thought about what it means for Him to love me. I've spent most of my formative Christian years thinking that it wasn't me that God loved. It was Christ in me. As "theologically-sound" as that statement may seem, I've come to believe that it's only the half truth. And if it's half-true, then it's most likely a lie--the lie being that God doesn't actually love me. And I have chosen not to wrestle with this troublesome thought because I didn't think I could. I've always been told to not go there. But yesterday, God brought my heart to a place where I wrestled with this very thought. God led me to a place where I could say, "Lord, this cannot be true. You must love me for who I am. You've made me, knitted me together in my mother's womb. You must've thought about me, when You asked Jesus to take my place on the Cross. You must love me for me. If this is not true, then what is love?"

In the grand scheme of things, in the grand scheme of God's glory, as Holy and Powerful as the God of Universe is, His transcendency and love and mercy must mean that He cares about His children as individuals. If a human mother and father can give special attention and love to each and every one of their children...if a human mother and father can take the time to assess each child's need and respond to that child's particular personality and need in order to love him or her as they are...then why not the God of the universe, whose love is clearly shown through the death of Jesus Christ, who took MY place and MY punishment so that I could have a relationship with the Father.

I have not allowed myself to sit in this for so long because Christian jargon dictates that God loves Christ in me. Somehow that doesn't seem to be all of it. How can we truly experience the true love of God in a real and profound way if we cannot allow him to love us as we are? How can we truly understand the goodness of His grace and mercy if we do not invite him into our most vulnerable places? God LOVES us. No buts, or ifs, or and's. He just LOVES us. Because He is God. He is the only being who can love imperfect sinful souls in a way that these imperfect and sinful souls want to be loved. Which is why Jesus came. This is why Jesus came. And in our realization of our need for Him, in our honest zeal and passion for who God is, we glorify Him. But we must first know His love. We must think about it in this way. We must think about how deeply personal it is.

Merely knowing theology doesn't mean our hearts are truly embracing the love of God. Scripture says that knowledge puffs us up. It's often easier to say that God is love than to actually believe it. The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men (Is 29:13). We can discuss theology until we are blue in the face, or continue to impose unrealistic expectations on fellow Christians through our overt displays of "righteousness," and it ultimately means nothing if we miss the freedom of God's redeeming love for His people.

I pray that our hearts are truly moved by the grace of God, through the realization that He loves us, for who we are and how He has formed us. We are redeemed through the understanding of his mercy and love and we seek to change, from the inside-out, because we love Him. This is what's true. This is what God has shown me is real.

Um. Hi?

2010-09-11T01:15:00.000-07:00

I drank coffee at 11:00 pm because I thought I was going to have to pull an all-nighter--it's one of those crazy weekends where a billion things happen to be due on Monday--but my group and I finished earlier than expected (we were writing a literature review for our chosen research topic. Not that we actually what we were doing, but we tried our best). So anyway, I am wired. Wiiiiiiirrrreeed.

I haven't written anything on this blog since May 31st. That kind of astounds me, actually. I was such an avid blogger. What the hell happened?

Maybe facebook happened. Then again, I still blogged pretty religiously even when I had a facebook, before I went on my 3 month hiatus. So, I guess, I don't really know. But here I am now and I don't have anything to say in particular. Well, that's a lie. There's lots of things I want to talk about, but I'm kind of sensing that they'll come off like I'm bitter, or something.

Heaven forbid that I'm ever bitter. Pssh.

Actually, I'm not bitter at all. I've been reflecting more recently about my life and how I much I love it. Genuinely, love it. It feels bright and vivid. Messy and tangled. Tangible. Real. Less complicated in some ways, but more difficult others. I feel more loved now, by God and by people than I ever have. I am more accepting of my faults and shortcomings than I ever have been, knowing that accepting those things is the precipice upon which the freefall of change finds its jumping off point.

I am really thankful.

the Abyss

2010-05-31T00:04:00.000-07:00

tainted veins,
of purple and blue
colliding together,
a distinguishing hue.

a blindspot.

too dark to tell where it
starts or where it ends.
cold and damp
set apart from the
beckoning warmth
of a Father's love,
twisted in lies,
tortured by deception,
the love-child of a wayward,
imagination--
the Abyss.

it's a well crafted illusion,
by the one who wages destruction,
whose wrath rages against
the ones who pray,

they become his prey.

blissfully ignorant sheep,
struck blind by the void left
by immortality and shame.

the truth of everlasting love,
pushed far into peripheral sight,
tricks the heart and poisons the mind,
to only see the Abyss, to become lost
in the blackhole created by the one
who seeks to devastate humanity.

the Abyss,
a figment of one's imagination,
a dark place that exists in limbo,
is conquered by the truth
that

it

isn't

really

there.

foggy brain.

2010-05-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

yesterday's hair, irish cream and my paint-it-yourself mug and a poem:

foggy brain,
foggy brain,

makes everything like static.

caffeine is the only recommended cure.
also, the hope of summer, that draws nigh

with every exasperated sigh,
as i study
for my
last final
of the
year.

goodbye.

Jasper.

2010-05-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

the original video:

Jasper by Aidan Knight from Aidan Knight on Vimeo.

our version:

Εμπιστοσύνη

2010-05-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

"Therefore, let those also who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right."

read.

For reminiscing, among other things...

2010-05-20T00:28:00.000-07:00

original song by Linell Catalan (2006) and major kudos to a dear friend, Elise Berg, who helped me pen the lyrics.

I had long hair!!! I wrote this song last easter (April 2009). Both of these songs were byproducts of seasons of trial in my life. I've discovered that meaningful songs tend to flow out more naturally when I really need something real and less confusing to cling to.

Blessings y'all.

Long Beach and idioms.

2010-05-18T16:27:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, Long Beach and I were like ambivalent lovers, with more animosity between us than either of us realized. But slowly, Long Beach has wooed me (thanks in part to the new church that I started attending in February) and caused me to see its beauty amidst the graffiti, the ghetto, the railroad tracks and stark white, graffitied industrial buildings in the ghetto. So here I am, sitting in a Starbucks on the corner of Atlantic and San Antonio Drive, blogging about this new found reconciliation. I mean, I also plan on doing homework, too. But first things first.

Also, I'd like to mention the strange fellow sitting in one of the leather comfy chairs a few feet from me. I found myself a small round table in a corner and as I sit here and type, I can't help but notice the jutting movements of this strange fellow's head as he attempts to inconspicuously sneak looks in my direction. And I realized that I may sound a little conceited. I'm not. Though I do like to point out the obvious. It's kind of ridiculous. Part of me wants to go over there to tell him to cut it out. "Excuse me, can you please stop being creepy? Its making me uncomfortable."

On a completely different note: If you didn't know this about me, I have a hard time keeping my idioms straight. I'm not sure why this is the case, but part of me wants to blame my filipino heritage and growing up with parents, who also, in their best efforts, cannot say American idioms right. For example, when my mother, bless her precious little heart, was pseudo-lecturing me about skirting certain issues regarding friendships, etc, she told me to "stop beating the bushes."

Oh dear.

Anyway, today, I realized that I had forgotten to do an assignment that was due today and when I realized this, I decided to talk to my professor to (a) beg for forgivness and (b) see if I can turn it in later. As I was explaining to her that it had completely slipped my mind because of my ever growing list of things to do as I try to balance work, school and life, I said "Sorry Professor Dixon, but I feel like a chicken running around without my head on!"

For the life of me, I still can't really remember how to say that particular idiom. I'm sure someone out there will help me out.

Happy Tuesday!

God in(and) me(you).

2010-05-15T17:20:00.000-07:00

“In this [salvation] you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7

The more I think about my life these past 5 years, the more I'm convinced that the length of time spent in journaling, serving in various churches/ministries or reading/memorizing the bible is not comparable to the the quality of my relationship with God. I am learning that before everything else, my personal relationship with God should matter the most. What good is all the things that I do, if I don't trust that God actually cares about me, that He delights in me, that His love for me is not contingent about things I do or don't do (See Psalm 103)? Not that that sort of trust will always be perfect, because it probably never will, but there needs to be an undercurrent of willingness to think on these things, if not all of the time, then most of the time. The drive to love others, to serve others, comes from this undercurrent of trust. To love and to serve is to draw from an inward love that cannot help but spread to those in proximity.

If I have to tell it myself over and over again, then I will. My heart knows it is true, but my head tends to rebel against truth time and time again. My brain knows that it's a vulnerable, delightful and unnerving thing to express myself freely before God. To know that whatever I need to say, I can say it to Him. To be aware of the flaws that I have hidden, even from myself, and trusting that in Christ, God has forgiven me of all sins, past, present and future (See Psalm 139). I must remind myself that God welcomes me into His presence with open arms. That His unconditional love is unique to His divine character and only He has the capacity to love me perfectly.

It's a daunting, unimaginable thing to consider--God has the capacity to have a deep, loving relationship with anyone and everyone who seeks after Him, those whose hearts yearn for something much deeper than human beings, or anything else, in this world can offer. That is what a relationship with Christ has to offer--it's not merely "fire insurance" that saves people from Hell, but it is a constant reminder that we are not alone in this world. In the moments when we feel unworthy, ugly, lonely or depressed, those who know Christ can know a deep love and forgiveness that has no limits. Those who know Christ can know that there is justice and hope for the oppressed. Those who know Christ can know that there is redemption and freedom from darkness.

Imagination

2010-05-10T14:37:00.000-07:00

by B. Dillon:

I need to be reminded
of who I was
when I took the first steps out the door.
All I've said
now follows me around
I'm reminded...
I'm not like that anymore.

I uprooted...
and miles behind me are the
faces of
who
I left.

You've brought to my attention--
I've slowly changed. Becoming
who I wanted
to
stop.

But isn't that like, a finite mind,
setting out, with such righteous indignation?
Now, I'm at your feet, could you look at me with some
imagination.

A bush before me.
I slipped my sandals off...
I've only stopped, to look.

In the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great sound.
I run, I run...
to You.

Oh, isn't it just like, a finite mind,
setting out, with such righteous
indignation?
Now I'm at your feet, could you look
at me
with some imagination?

Remind me...
why you woke me up
and why you wake me up every
morning.

The staff in my hands,
held in by your love...
just stay close,

stay close.

Cause I know, I know my own mind--
why I set out with righteous indignation.
When I'm at your feet, please...
Please...
look at me

[with some imagination.]

Guaranteed to make you smile.

2010-05-08T13:36:00.001-07:00

22

2010-05-06T20:45:00.001-07:00

if words could be put in more than graceful arrangements
and if feelings could be aligned in disarraignment
if things were to make sense between absurdity and doubt
there would be less things in life to figure out

if the mind could find ways to implode
so as not to reveal all that needs to be told--
epiphones become daily euphamisms
of a life seemingly lived in dualism

if ambiguity was an art, she’d be the master
she would muster up questions that remain unanswered
abstract thinking would become the norm

for if home is where the heart is,

maybe she isn’t quite home.

Heart to head (and vice-versa).

2010-04-26T09:35:00.001-07:00

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." [James 1: 2-4]

I remember mulling over this verse and giving this verse to others with the intention to encourage them without really understanding for myself what it means. In fact, I know I've said things like "joy will come from trials," or maybe telling others that trials are a "good thing" without believing it at all. But now, the older and more mature version of myself says: what human being is truly, instinctively, thankful when life decides to give out under them and they fall flat on their face?

God only knows.

And by the way, I don't think God is surprised when our hearts, or what we truly believe is disconnected to what we say or do (though we may very well surprise ourselves). In Hosea 6, God rebukes Israel and Judah, "What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? Your love is like a morning cloud, like the dew that goes early away." God could see deep into their hearts, and He knew that their love was fleeting, it was not that they were unfaithful to Him, but they had forsaken the knowledge of God and truth. And God tells him what He wants from them in verse 6, "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings." God wants his people to have the right hearts, ones that hold an affectionate knowledge of God, which fills the mind with reverence of his majesty, fear of his goodness, love of his holiness, trust in his promise, and submission to his will.

The amazing thing is that God's grace is unimaginably abundant and endless. In His mercy, He doesn't allow those who He loves to remain in a perpetual disconnect. And God does use trials, because trials provide a perfect medium for growth and has a way of nurturing the seeds of spiritual knowledge that have been sown by time spent reading scripture, or sitting under sound teaching. I imagine a "Jack and the Magic bean stalk" scenario: the magic beans of Christian faith and understanding, that have been planted in our hearts, grows and grows and grows amidst the strife and chaos of life until it reaches it's ultimate destination: our head. Not sure how the giant and the golden goose fits in to my analogy, so we're going to pretend like they're not part of the story...

Some personal application (and please know that I say the following things with tentative eagerness): This morning I realized that James 1:2-4 is no longer a strange and unwelcome enigma in my psyche. I no longer fear trials (or resent them) but welcome them as a necessary medium for my personal growth. I believe that I have entered into a season of deep, deep joy and satisfaction in who God is (I think I journal-ed about how I've come to this place a few weeks ago.) I am grateful to report that I am still inexplicably and deeply, happy. I do feel complete and lacking in nothing, amidst discomfort, stress and not-so ideal situations. More importantly, I would like to say this: I used to think, that in able to feel complete and be lacking in nothing, that I needed to be in a relationship or be married and/or that I need to be finished with school and have a steady income. It's amazing to me how I could say that I didn't need those things, even though my heart begged to differ.

The LORD has done amazing things in my life. I hope that this encourages you, dear reader. And I hope and pray that God continues to lead you into a deeper, fuller and less confusing knowledge of Him and His love for you.

I have a dream...

2010-04-25T21:07:00.000-07:00

I sit here, buried under a mountain of projects, presentations (one 2o minute one on Wednesday and a 2 hour one on Tuesday morning), a test in OB/GYN and a court date (long story short: didn't [know that i was supposed to] appear for my court hearing for the ticket i got in december--for talking on my cellphone while driving--and now i have to go to court on wednesday to talk to traffic judge and tell him/her that i shouldn't have to pay $800 for ditching court, since i had no idea).

anyway.

Needless to say, I'm a wee bit stressed out. But, the more pressure I feel, the more likely I am to daydream of summer and it's semi-endless possibilities.

Things I'm thinking/daydreaming about:
- my church (www.folcov.org) has an inner city outreach that involves tutoring children from k-12. they announced it at church this morning and my heart skipped a beat...with excitement! i love the inner city and would love to serve those kids within the context of the church.
- being more involved with church stuff, in general. i have warm and fuzzies about that place.
- making more cards for my etsy store. still trying to come up with a name for my store, if you have any ideas...make sure to throw them out there.
- being a bridesmaid for Emily Deaver's wedding. so excited!
- a certain photography project that is in the works...
- Corona Del Mar & early mornings at Inspiration Point
- getting my nose pierced (again)
- saving up for a Disneyland pass so I can have one for my (potentially) last year in SoCal.
- camping and hiking
- visiting friends in various places
- concerts & shows at Hotel Cafe in Hollywood
- Roscoe's chicken and waffles (late night hang-out diner complete with SOULfood)

mmmm. summer. so close.

Phoenix.

2010-04-19T10:58:00.001-07:00

I forgive you.
The words escape her mouth, like wisps of smoke set free from the burning embers of a cigarette.

She suddenly panics at the impending sense of loneliness. Those words had become her constant companion. She frantically runs after the wayward words in a futile attempt to recapture them and hold them neatly inside her.

No, they're too far from my reach.
She slumps down on the cold linoleum floor. She had held on to the thought for a long time, the thought of forgiveness, the ideals of reconciliation. She had nourished them insider her, as a mother nourishes a growing fetus. Now, she had let them go. Doubt lays hold of her, in her exhausted state.

She wonders if she's ready. She wonders if they're ready.

The growing realization of the journey ahead looms ominously above her and surrounds her, like flies drawn to ripening fruit. She tries to swat them away. I can't. I can't do it. What if I die?

But the conflict of desire and comfort and self-denial for the purpose of love and obedience is an ever-persevering Mentor. She knows, as history has foretold and from the stories of old, that in the asphyxiation of her own pride, a new self emerges. One stronger than the last. One who knows love. One who knows forgiveness.

shoulder bouncing...

2010-04-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

you'll know what I mean:

Can't think of a title. pfft.

2010-04-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

Recently, my nightly showers have become the wellspring of profound reflection. It seems that the enclosed space of plastic, glass and linoleum is not just for singing ADELE songs about pavements and what it means to chase them.

I was thinking about all the homework I had to do this weekend and noticed that the needle on my internal panic meter was rising steadily. It's not the workload that I'm concerned about--it's the actual product and the grade that I will be getting after I turn it in. And more importantly, how those grades--after careful, yet unnecessary comparison with fellow classmates--can often make me feel like crap. B's are not something I feel particularly great about, but I seem to get them a lot in nursing school. While most people felt happy and accomplished with a B average, from elementary to high school I was trained to see them as nothing short of failure. And somewhere, deep inside me, is the drive to be that amazing A student, but fear of misplaced and misguided pride kills whatever sort of effort I want to make in "doing my best." However, I'm not exactly excited about "settling." But then maybe, I'm not "settling," and maybe I'm not that A student that me, or my parents, once thought I was. After all, I was that student mostly in elementary school, but it was because my parents really wanted me to be that way. They wanted me to be successful and I wanted to please my parents (and be better than people.)

I'm realizing more and more that success is not or should not be what defines my worth, nor should it become a platform that I use to elevate my self and my merits. And I'm also realizing that I'm not "that" student, because I'm not so meticulous about school-type things. I mean without the constant nagging or the impending doom I felt as a younger child if I did not perform as expected, there is not much motivating me today-- except for my own whim (Hah, imagine that). I see that I am driven to be at my best in other, "not-school," related things. Things like cooking, playing guitar, making cards, sewing, baby sitting/relating with children, singing, writing songs, poetry, various art projects, having good bedside manner, loving people, creating outfits, growing emotionally and spiritually, striving for peace in relationships, learning how to be a good parent (someday) and making my bed.

I guess the conclusion that I've come up with--for now, at least-- is that I should try my best in anything that I do and put in the effort (ugggghhhh), but I can't be good at everything! And while success can be defined by grades, or how well I dress or sing, it definitely should not affect my inherent value and worth.

In any case, at least I can always count on my blood type being A+.

Free (sigh) at last.

2010-04-13T15:46:00.001-07:00

Between bites of milk chocolate raisins, I reflect on the beauty of the day. In a literal sense, the day is profoundly breath-taking: the cool breeze, the gentle beaming of the sun & the clarity of the blues and neat demarcation of cumulus nimbuses (nimbi?) in the Southern California sky is a rare, yet exalted event. I mean, I guess there are plenty of sunny days here, but how often are those sunny days apart from the oppressive southern California smog? I feel that the world around me is singing hallelujah, we're free at last. Or at least, free for the moment.

Today is also beautiful because I am celebrating a newly discovered sincerity regarding the beauty of God's love and acceptance of me. Well, I've been "celebrating" since Easter, but it was more like a "trial celebration." I think I was making sure that all the joy and freedom that I've been feeling wasn't some fluke. Thankfully, it's not and it is one of those defining moments that will/have change(d) me significantly. God didn't wave a magic wand to fix my life. In fact, nothing has changed much about my situation, except for the fact that I actually trust Him. It sounds so simple, but I went through Hell to figure that out. And I am so thankful that God wanted me to get it. I feel like I just woke up from a zombie-like indifference to the fact that I was allowing bitterness and anger to [continually] poke and prod me towards the precipice of self-pity and depression.

If you were to ask me to describe how I'm feeling, as stupid and lame as this may sound (and for the sake of avoiding Christianese) I feel like I have rainbows and shooting stars coming out of my chest. I am just so...happy. Like, Rainbow Brite happy. This baffles me, mostly because I know that the next couple of weeks are going to be really stressful, in terms of how much work I have to do for school. And I am facing huge financial difficulties, not just for me, but for my family. And to top it all off, I have to deal with a very real, and profoundly annoying, desire for marriage that has yet to be met.

I think I truly see, with the eyes of my heart, what the good news of the Gospel is (remind me later when I forget and hopefully I won't). Jesus died to set me free, not just from the wrath of God and the punishment of my sins, but from losing myself in despair. Jesus has given me a reason to fully trust God and to know I can have hope. Life is unambiguously hard, and even worse when I don't trust that God actually does care about me and my desires, or about how I feel about life. It's unbearable when I cannot accept His unconditional love. It's impossible when I cannot allow myself to rest in His grace. In short: God does care. His love for me is explicitly demonstrated through Christ's sacrifice. And the best part is that He will change me for the better, as I learn to trust Him.

To think, I was fighting to be happy on my own terms, when all I had to do was let go. This further solidifies my theory that God is indefinitely "backwards."

joy.

2010-04-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

buried deeply
within the strongholds of His delight,
an ever present fixture,
my soul's stalagmite.
despair's trumpets call to woo the light,
inflaming faith's beacon,
even in the darkest of night.

a sigh of relief,
breathes life to cold bones,
filling their lungs to silence
their dark and dreary groans.
a prodigal stranger misplaced from his home,
once lost and misguided,
is no longer alone.

Overfloweth.

2010-04-10T17:58:00.001-07:00

I just spent the last couple of hours at the new Micu homestead--the Micu's, a family of 9, with baby number 8 on the way, had just recently found a place out in the country. I went over to check out their abode. It is every adventurous child's dream: barn (complete with clubhouse), pool, a garden, tire swing and big tree, geese, lake, paddleboat and an island. I was beside myself. It was so excitingly beautiful that when I saw Paul and Amy, I excitedly exclaimed to them, "I could get married here!"

It was the first thought in my mind and I didn't even get a chance to reason with myself as to why I shouldn't say that outloud. There were also other young men present and they looked at me and laughed. Paul laughed, too.

I mean, I meant what I said, but I felt strangely awkward because (a) I'm jumping the gun--the possibility of me even dating someone anytime soon seems to be lightyears away and (b) who says that? Other people probably would say, "Oh, what a beautiful home you have."

My voice inflection suggested that I was speaking like I was constipated or something. It was like, I wanted to say it, but my body and my heart, so often not in sync, had some weird chemical reaction that tried to create a filter to hold me back from saying what I said. But, didn't really work. Then I felt like a popped balloon. Or better yet, maybe a deflated lifeboat and much like the Titanic, I was sinking fast into the awkward abyss, so I grabbed the closest thing in front of me to try to keep myself afloat: Sarah Micu. I just...grabbed her, bear hugged her skinny little frame. And the poor girl, startled, started screaming "GET OFF ME!" I tried to save face by saying that I just wanted to hug her, to which she replied, in the way only 12 year olds can say it, "You're so weird."

I know, Sarah, I know.

An excerpt from The Great Divorce

2010-04-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

I'm currently reading C.S Lewis' The Great Divorce, which is an allegorical novel about one man's experience of Heaven and Hell. The main character, who has not yet been named (I'm only about halfway), boards a bus and meets a plethora of supernatural beings and finds himself in a beautiful forest (a place like Narnia perhaps--minus the talking wildlife). Here he learns that there are significant consequences for living life apart from knowing Christ. He realizes this through encounters with other spiritual beings, who seem to be abounding in peace and joy, whilst he and his other bus-mates, find themselves struggling to enjoy the scenery due to the local plant life wreaking havoc on their ghost-like bodies. The following excerpt I found particularly profound. The main character is eavesdropping on a White Spirit trying to tell another ghost, one who calls himself a skeptic of the resurrection of Christ, that it has come to a point for the skeptic to either give up his endless search for truth (for he confidently suggests that there is no end to his thirst for knowledge), or choose to live the futility of his quest in Hell:

"Listen!" said the White Spirit. "Once you were a child. Once you knew what inquiry was for. There was a time when you asked questions because you wanted answers, and were glad when you had found them. Become that child again: even now."

"Ah, but when I became a man I put away childish things."

"You have gone far wrong. Thirst was made for water; inquiry for truth. What you now call the free play of inquiry has neither more nor less to do with the ends for which intelligence was given you than masturbation has to do with marriage."

Twilight.

2010-04-05T22:45:00.000-07:00

where does love go,
when it leaves for the moment?
leaving behind two bodies
aching with torment.

where does hope hide,
when love seems to disappear?
slowly becoming elusive,
to those who draw near.

where do dreams fly,
as expectations mold into misery?
like the sun fading into twilight--
love becomes a distant memory.

Margins.

2010-04-01T23:09:00.000-07:00

Jesus's life and ministry, while He physically walked on the Earth, was to reach out to the poor, the marginalized and those who were considered the "litter" of society. He dined with prostitutes, He reclined with tax collectors and He loved the lame, the blind and the lepers. He reestablished and affirmed the worth of a woman in the midst of an oppressive and chauvinistic society. His message of salvation was meant to uproot and overthrow the stronghold of those who considered themselves religious; who saw themselves as holy and righteous persons due to their self-proclaimed social status and by virtue of association with a race of people descended from the likes of Moses and King David. Jesus came for the Gentiles, who were considered to be hopeless filth, unworthy of the graces of Yahweh, to bring these outsiders hope and restoration. Jesus came so that all may have a relationship with God, in a very deep, personal way.

I write about these things, not to romanticize certain notions about reaching out to the marginalized or idealize unconditional love. I write these thoughts due to an ever shifting paradigm in my mind regarding the truth about Jesus and how He wants me to impact the world around me. I have been thinking a lot lately about how all of this affects my relationships with people, or sinners just like me, or how I've seen other people treat others who may have fallen short of the "Christian standard." And really, it's no wonder that people hate Christians. I know Jesus said that people will hate us because we choose to live according to another standard, but I'm not sure that the way people hate Christians now, is what Jesus meant. People hate Christians now because we're fickle little hypocrites who are so quick to point out other people's faults without first realizing the gravity of our own. We are also quick to marginalize "sinners," quick to kick people out of our homes and our churches for messing up. In this way, I think that the Christian faith, at least in the United States, parallels the religious arrogance of the Pharisees. Ick.

Christians are so good about following a formula when it comes to confronting someone--they confront a person by speaking truth, person fails to change, person is kind of ex-communicated from community, Christian feels like they did the right thing and move on with their lives, and the other person is either devastated or turns against the church and more hate proliferates. Clearly, this is not quite right. It doesn't reflect the love and grace of Jesus. It does not give the impression of being the salt and light of the earth. It seems sad and kind of...hopeless.

The thing about speaking the truth is that it's meant to be in love and out of the same sort of grace that God has shown us through the Cross of Christ. The problem with most people who want to speak the truth, is that it is rarely done in love and most likely, things are said out of discomfort. Discomfort with the situation at hand, or not wanting to deal with someone else's sinfulness, makes it easier to give ultimatums, I think. And I think its so sad. I've been guilty of it. I used to give ultimatums about certain things, but that was because I thought I was awesome. No, really. I actually thought I was more "right" and less of a sinner than the person I was confronting.

Granted, there are times when there really is nothing anyone can do for someone who is unrepentant, who shows no remorse or no care for how he or she is hurting anyone around them. Should they be removed from their immediate community, displaced and left to fend for themselves? I don't know, probably not. I know we're not meant to coddle people. We're not meant to condone sin and be comfortable with the tragic and evil things that do happen. But should we give up on people, I don't think so. And yes, it's all easier said than done. But when I think about Jesus, or how Jesus would want me to treat other people, it all makes sense. It's not easy, but following Christ never is. And choosing to love someone in such a way that it mirrors the grace of God is terribly exhausting and extremely uncomfortable.

But I think that's what I'm supposed to do. I don't understand all of the "how's" yet. But I know I'm supposed to love people in a way that points them to the amazing love of God.

Jesus loves the normal people.

2010-03-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

This is, like, an unending point of discussion between me, my counselor/therapist, Jesus, and anyone within earshot when my mind boils over with the audacity of it all. I've probably blogged about this subject a million times: I would really love to break out of this mentality that only the super-spiritual ones get all of God's love (or is at least the ones who seem to be serving God the best in their obedience)...you know, the one's who read their bible twice a day and carry it around like it's their spiritual security blanket, or the one's who lead worship or are involved in ministry or church in umpteenth-billion ways, or the missionary woman who's admired so much for her celibate lifestyle and how she reaches out to Muslims in areas of the world that are considered "unsafe."

I honestly believe that 90% of Christians still don't understand, nor truly view God as an unconditional and loving God. 90% of Christians still have a hard time just...letting go of their lives and fully accepting their sinfulness and quirky personalities. I think their "buts" get in the way: "but God is Holy and perfect and He expects His people to live according to His standards," "but we're supposed to be set apart," "but shall we sin so that grace may abound," or "but we don't deserve anything good." and etc. While it's all true, I think people forget that they cannot change the true nature of who they are from the outside-in, that in order to truly be holy and set apart, we must allow God to change us from the inside-out. And while we don't deserve anything good, grace has nothing to do with what we do or didn't do. Dwelling on what we don't deserve certainly has a propensity to propel us to living life conditionally because of feelings of guilt, or maybe false humility (or pride) that won't allow ourselves to accept something that has nothing to do with our merit(s). And if we have to be neurotic about continually checking ourselves to make sure our motives are always right, or whether we're sinning or not... then that's just an exhausting way to live. It's definitely not what I think "freedom in Christ" means. But, more importantly, living that way possibly indicates that there's a serious disconnect in our minds about what grace truly is and maybe we think that we can actually be perfect...

I wrote a poem a couple of days ago trying to describe that thing that humans do because we have a hard time really facing and accepting our ugliness. I think we do eventually realize the enormous amounts of ugly we have in our lives and we find ourselves at a crossroad. We choose to either cover up our faults through various and elaborate ways, or we accept who we are and accept that God accepts us for who we are. It's easier said than done, I know, because this sort of acceptance is unnerving. To really trust that God will love us for who we are is a truly vulnerable place to be. It probably feels like standing naked in front of an auditorium filled with plastic surgeons. It's uncomfortable and yes, possibly awkward.

For the sake of sounding perfectly redundant, because He does love us, we merely have to allow ourselves to believe and let go that He will change us. And while followers of Jesus Christ certainly have their responsibility to be obedient, we also need to be honest with ourselves and with God. What relationship has ever been considered healthy and has flourished and grown in the presence of dishonesty and denial?

I just want to get it. And I want other people to get it so they can stop pressuring me and everyone else around them to act like they're perfect and "so spiritual." Obviously, I'm kind of cynical, so take this with a grain of salt. I just want people to be real with God and one another about their misfires and misconceptions. Thankfully, I have found myself in a situation where I do encounter the reality of trying to live for Jesus in this broken and fallen world. And even in this reality, I still have a hard time accepting God's love... but it is what it is.

I pray that His grace will grow more clearer to me as I stumble through the reality of His love. It's especially good to think about it this week, since it is "Holy Week." And when Sunday rolls around, I do hope that our joy is not contrived, but something deep and real, that Easter is not just a tradition, or "that thing that we do on Sunday right before the easter egg hunt." It's the freakin' resurrection of Christ, upon which all our hope is supposed to be dependent on.

Carded.

2010-03-29T13:56:00.000-07:00

whatever this phase of life is--i've recently decided to hang up any more presumptive thoughts or pressing "why's" and "why not's"--it's a perfect catalyst for the conception of ideas (i.e. more cards):

"hummingbird fly"

(a close up: newsprint wings. my favorite.)

"hello."--this card was inspired by "where the wild things are," which is weird because (a) i haven't seen the movie and (b) I don't remember the book being quite so cheerful. but i had friendly monsters with large teeth in mind when i was making this card...

i can't decide if this is a just a sort of "not your average peacock" card, or a "Happy Thanksgiving, Turkey" card, or maybe it's just a perfect hybrid-- the turkpock:

...last and not least, inspired by my love for coffee and newsprint and Africa and World-Market.

maybe, if I don't get married, instead of being a seamstress, or an eccentric old woman who fills her lonely life with cats, i can make cards. yes, that is what i'll do. make cards and send them out to random people that i find in the phonebook.

it has been decided.

the Portrait.

2010-03-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

"For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more."
-Jeremiah 31:34-

a portrait of anything,
overflows with true nature of
whatever it is
that it parodies.

our self portraits betrays
our truly hideous subliminals:
for we are ugly,
ugly in our bitterness,
ugly in our insecurity,
ugly in our love for money,
ugly in our pursuit of instant gratification,
ugly in our self-love.
ugly in our hatred.

but vain are we,
in our ravenous hunt for acquiescense.
frivolously painting over the ugly parts,
to hide our insufferable essence.

inevitability presumes the erosion and decay
of these self-made portraits, for even indestructible
mountains are worn away by the winds and its seasons.

only that which we had worked so hard to conceal remain;
tenacious anchors of the fabricated assumptions
of who we thought we were.
and when only the hideous remains,
the pursuit of love and acceptance evolves
to despair,
for who will love us in our ugliness?

Song of the Week

2010-03-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

...and word of the week: "Cad"

(close second: "rascal" and third, "rove...")

A preview of things to come...

2010-03-25T22:06:00.001-07:00

Lately, I've gotten into card-making...

(i apologize for the pictures. in lieu of a camera, I settled on using photobooth on my Mac. I wish that the images weren't reversed. So dumb.)

A series of Thank You cards:

owl.

newspaper tree.

envelope for newspaper-tree card.

a random "I Miss You" card:

(i love those letter stamps. hate that it's backwards. guhr.)

s'more Thank You cards:

this one was inspired by Ernest Hemingway's The Old Man & The Sea. since the details are hard to see: the blue paper is super-imposed over newsprint, then I used an exacto-knife to cut out the image of the a sailboat in the ocean, with a flock of seagulls soaring above. it's one of my favorites.

this one makes me feel happy and sunny inside.

hey, if you like them, let me know! I am planning to sell some cards on etsy.com sometime in the near future. But if you would like me to make a more personalized set, I would love to do it for you (shameless plug, heh). No, but honestly, card-makin' keeps me sane. So really, it's an investment going towards my emotional well-being.

toodles.

I dream of Philosophy...

2010-03-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

I was parusing through a unitarian universalist website--in my own efforts to expand and build on my knowledge of the different things that people believe-- when I came across this quote:

"Different People. Different Beliefs. One Faith." --Unitarian Universalists, the Uncommon Denomination.

Now I pose a question, to myself, to the general public and to the unitarians that may come across my blog someday... I find that there's a problem with that quote. Though, I know it envokes the warm and fuzzies for those looking for unconditional love and acceptance and I hate to burst the bubble of optimistic ideals, but I'm not quite certain how different beliefs equal one faith. One Buddhist, one Confusionist and one Christian equals three people with equally different beliefs. I mean, it's a basic mathematical dilemma, isn't it? 1+1+1 = 3, not 1.

I may be biased due to the fact that I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, but I'm also not completely ignorant, I know that there's more to this quote than its literal meaning. Unitarian Universalists seek to unite all the peoples of the earth regardless of what they choose to believe and I do think that they have created a very successful and strategic way of doing just that. This time period that we live in is a time where much of the population of this earth do not know much about the Bible and it's trendy and hip to be tolerant of anything and everyone (except for Christians because they are seemingly the most intolerable group of people to encounter). I think those things are a direct effect of the fact there is a general distrust of objective Truth. Since believing in an objective Truth would eventually point to one God, who is supposedly good and just, it's much easier, or safer to say that he doesn't exist, than to try to live in a reality where a good God allows or plans for bad things to happen. I think that the Universalists are actually aware of what I've come to call as the "unbearable contradiction" and this is why they allow/encourage people to believe whatever they want about God, whatever helps them cope with all that life throws at them. In this way, the universalists offer hope in the form of unconditional love and acceptance.

Unfortunately, I think this kind of hope backfires on them. I mean, it may meet the needs of their congregation for the time being, but can hope really be firmly planted in a whirlwind of uncertainties? I imagine a stubborn little child, or an immature pre-teen, shutting their eyes and covering their ears, screaming la-la-la, when the obvious rears its ugly head, then saying "If I can't see you, then you're not really there!" Offering love and acceptance now cannot possibly answer the question of what happens after we die, nor does it make the "unbearable contradiction" really, truly go away.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that. I was doing some homework,
but was side tracked because I love thinking about this. I played with the idea of minoring in Philosophy at Biola because I had enough credits that transferred in from my previous college, but to what end? I think this is more of a hobby for me and couldn't do it as a career. It would drive me crazy, I think...I mean, look at what happened to Nietzsche.

(Wow...now, I'm even making Philosophy jokes. Geeez. Nerd.)

Ok, back to cultural competence and implications on childbearing education.

The Caffeinated Optimist

2010-03-22T14:00:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I denied myself of my usual cup of coffee. As the day progressed, my mind grew foggier, my mood destabilized and by the end of the night, I had a raging headache and I hated my life (the weekend long power outage on my block and the fact that my car was stuck in the garage for two days because of lack of the power outage--and lack of upper body strength and male friends to help me lift the garage door manually--may have added to my grumpyness).

Today, I had my cup of coffee and life couldn't be better. It's funny but sad that my hope seems to be contingent on how much caffeine is in my system. Yikes. I've tried to wean myself off it, but it's nearly impossible while I'm in nursing school. But I made the most of my sudden burst of happyness and made plans for a productive summer: making cards and selling them on etsy.com, taking a sewing class, saving up for a Disneyland annual pass and possibly taking on a hip-hop class on top of working 10 or more hours a week. Yesterday, I also felt an impending sense of doom regarding a huge test that I have tomorrow based on the most confusing material I have yet to encounter (i.e Mechanical Ventilation). Today, I'm thinking that maybe a C on the test wouldn't be so bad. Not that I'm aiming for a C, but at least I know it won't be the end of the world.

What else is good? The weather: 73 beautiful degrees and the glorious sunshine. And food: Chik-Fil-A.

Glorious.

Sunny Saturdays

2010-03-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

I'm not really inspired to write about much, except that it's a beautiful morning. The sun is out and it's a wonderful 69 degrees outside. It feels almost like a sin to be sitting inside--but I know that I wouldn't be able to do anything productive if I tried to "study" outdoors. I'm settling for the next best thing: I opened the blinds and the screen door in our apartment to invite the sun--and the rest of the outside world-- in.

I am also enjoying this--M.Ward (featuring Zooey Deschannel) "Rave On:"

Relief.

2010-03-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

Whenever I hear this song, I just seem to breathe a little easier. It's a classic. (Don't mind the cheesy pictures)...

At Last (cover) by Eva Cassidy

Tozer and Psychodynamic Therapy

2010-03-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

If Tozer were alive today, I think he and I would be able to have an intelligent conversation about the benefits of Christianity-infused psychotherapy. And this is why:

"That our idea of God correspond as nearly as possible to the true being of God is of immense importance to us. Compared with our actual thoughts about Him, our creedal statements are of little consequence. Our real idea of God lie buried under the rubbish of conventional religious notions and may require an intelligent and rigorous search before it is finally unearthed and exposed for what it is" [A.W. Tozer]

Song of the week.

2010-03-13T09:25:00.000-08:00

her songs overflow with passion. it's why i love her.

Breakthrough Tuesdays.

2010-03-09T22:37:00.001-08:00

One of most refreshing (and annoying) aspects of this life we live is the constant of change-- we human beings are like play-doh in the hands of a determined, over-achiever.

Change is exciting. It's frightening and gut-wrenching. It's exhausting and rewarding and painful.

I had a breakthrough today. I realized that I was fighting this weird, internal battle, where, in the realms of my imagination I had strategically set up my own enemies. They threatened to take hold and destroy my new found freedom. I wasn't going to let them. I built my defenses, readied my weapons. Little did I know, that no one was really out to get me.

I have changed a lot over the last few years: I've learned to take ownership of my personality, my wants, my needs, my struggles and my personal victories. I've learned a lot about God and His unconditional love. I've learned that I need not constantly stress myself out about my intentions, or whether my heart is in the right place. I've learned that I need not explain myself or validate my every action. I am sure that God is pleased with my desire to please Him, and I am sure that He doesn't expect me to be perfect and is not surprised when I mess up (keyword here is "when.") I've learned to breathe. I've learned to trust. I've learned to suffer. I've learned that there's no hurry in living. Jesus knew all about that, because He's a genius after all. He told us to take things one day at a time. I've really taken that and have tattooed it into my heart.

These things [that I've learned] don't always translate to my "old" life (oh, the joys of moving away). It's hard to grow up being a certain way and work so hard to meet everyone else's expectations in order to find life acceptable, or to find oneself acceptable/love/wanted by others. The weird thing about that is that I was doing those things under the guise of living passionately and intentionally for God. The irony is that it was all in vain--I was really just living for myself.

Anyway, it's hard when people, from my previous "life," aren't able to understand that change or growth and are unable to see past the person they thought they've always known. At least this has been my basic assumption, though, I don't think it's really too far off from the truth. Whatever. The point is none of these people are my enemies. There is no actual war between us.

Yeah, so...today was one of those "come full circle" types of days--Thank you, Jesus (again). I'm beginning to really understand that it's ok to not see eye to eye with everyone; it's virtually impossible when people are standing on various sides of a mountain--people can only see with their own eyes a small part of the "big" picture and their respective points of view are going to be a little different from the next.

And that is ok. It really, really is.

Mondays.

2010-03-08T19:28:00.001-08:00

nothing quite curbs that itching feeling to blog something significant than seeing that I have no comments on my previous post. is it wrong/petty to want some sort of affirmation that there are people out there who actually read my blog?

(this sudden burst of emotional tattle is an aftermath of recently consuming a tall, iced, upside-down caramel macchiato with soy. but i can't always blame caffeine for everything, but it does contribute greatly to the the "unfiltering" that happens whenever its in my system).

anyway...

today, in clinicals (a.k.a. unpaid hours spent at the local children's hospital in Orange County to practice/learn nursing skills from actual nurses), there was a little boy who had to have his entire bladder removed because he had bladder cancer. so where does the urine go, you ask? good question. they [as in the surgeons] re-sectioned his bowel to create a pouch that is then attached to his ureters (the "pipes" that come out of the kidney and carries urine to the bladder). long story short: they "made" him a new bladder out of parts he already had! obviously, this is a very loose-ended explanation of the procedure, if you're interested in reading more about it, go here: Ileal Conduit Surgery. long story short: this little boy had tubes coming out of him to drain the urine for the time being while his insides healed. I know that this scenario is traumatic for an adult and would be even more so for an 8 year old--but the little snot also had the worst attitude ever. He was very demanding and ordered his parents around like they were his personal slaves. It was kind of disheartening to watch. I guess as parents, it's hard to correct their child's disrespective behavior after he's gone through so much. And one might tag me as a "hard-ass" for saying this, but, bladder or no bladder, my child will never be allowed to call me "stupid mom" when he doesn't get his way.

to end on a funny note: i started work today at Kumon Learning Center as a learning center assistant (imagine that...). you know, it was interesting to observe the effect I had on pre-pubescent boys. the main teacher, Ms. Muse, kept having to tell them to pay attention. then she asked me to stand in the back, and grade papers. i couldn't help but feel she was sort of, shoving me out of sight. sigh. if only i had the same sort of problem with post-pubescent men.

oh well.

Awkward... happens.

2010-03-07T22:20:00.000-08:00

My life:

1. Recently, I received a random text message from a "mystery man" from my hometown of Fresno. He claims that he had found my number in his phone and he was wondering if he knew me. Without revealing too much of my own identity, and knowing how to ask the right questions, I discovered that he was a 25-year old Latino, who works at the same hospital that my mom does (he's an ER nurse), he grew up in Monterrey, California and he goes to People's Church (which is about a couple blocks or so down from a church I used to go to). Using my mother as a source, I had her investigate this phenomenon and I found out that Mystery Man actually checked out to be who he said he was. I am a naturally curious person and therefore continued to reply to Mystery Man's text for another day or so. However, it wasn't very long until it became very apparent that Mystery Man was insecure and required constant affirmation from a stranger he didn't even know. Mystery Man also hinted several times that he felt that our "meeting" was "god-ordained" and that maybe we were "meant to be."

yeah. That was the end of that.

2. My little condo was due to be cleaned today by yours truly and I like listen to hip hop music while I clean. Since it was a nice day, we only had our metal screen door closed to allow some "fresh" air in. "Soldier" by Destiny's Child came on as I was in the middle of mopping our wooden floors in the dining room and I started to "get my groove on." It was about half way through the song, when amidst my dancing I heard a male voice say "Knock-knock?" I twirled around, semi-shocked and thoroughly horrified, and saw my roommates' attractive gradschool friend standing right outside the screen door. Apparently, he and some of the other gradschool friends where coming over for a study session (i.e. comparing notes about some Rorshack test). I did know that he was coming, but I had lost track of time. An awkward smirk spread across his face as I walked to the door to let him in. I said a quick "hi" and hid in our kitchen for five minutes, finished my mopping and kind of, ran to my room. I didn't really come out for another 2o minutes. I mean, I know things could've been worse. I could've been naked. I'm hoping that he's forgotten. Then again, it was the kind of dancing that I normally wouldn't do in front of anyone--especially boys.

oops.

Honesty is a two-headed monster.

2010-03-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

to tell the truth is to reveal the full extent of my vulnerability.
and in my vulnerability, expose the vulnerabilities of others--
like the winds of a typhoon after the calm of the storm,
uprooting what was once thought to be firmly planted.

or

i can hide in the shadows of half-truths or half-lies,
to remain in the illusion that all is safe.
that all is good.
that all is well.

honesty is a two-headed monster,
it divides and consumes the seemingly unmolested,
and tortures the well-meaning intentions of virtue.

once awaken,
it cannot be tempered.
once awaken,
it will not sleep,
until its purpose has been completed,
it rages on...

and on...

and on...

Self-discovery

2010-03-01T23:21:00.000-08:00

this may be an exercise in futility, but these last few months have been this quest to figure out who I really am. i think my search was spurned on by the realization that, for most of my life, i haven't really been true to the unique way that the LORD has created me. a lot of the things that i did, my likes/dislikes, my passions... all came from other people, or at least, what i thought other people wanted from me. in a lot of ways i feel like a child who's learning to gain her independence, ready to step out into the world and be the person that God intended her to be. i think these questions sum up the things that i've been thinking through lately:

1. Why am I here?
I am here because I was placed on this Earth with a purpose and with specific gifts: to be a caring, compassionate person, to be a caring, compassionate, nurse, to love and be loved, to use my gifts of mercy to extend grace to the broken, to use my musical abilities to write songs and share them with others, to use my insights to challenge other people, to use my intellect to be challenged by diversity and change.

2. What would I like to learn?
I would love to learn how to fully integrate the message of the Jesus Christ into practical living; to learn how to truly live freely and not live under the false dichotomy that i've somehow created in my mind. I would love to learn to not be hindered by fear of judgment from others, or worry about what people think. I would love to learn that I can trust people to be as genuine as they possibly can be in regards to accepting others unconditionally.

3. What brings me joy?
children, the promise of the end of suffering, a heart's understanding of God's unconditional love, chocolate, fried chicken, Cookie Monster, artists, art, polaroids, portraits, being in love, a crisp, cool, sunny day, HoneyRock, nature, chicken adobo (made by my father), playing Apples-to-Apples with my family, staring at the lake/ocean, blogging, my parents' filipino-isms (and sharing said filipino-isms with friends), happy endings in real life love stories, water bottles, the biola nursing program, the thought of becoming a pediatric nurse practioner, coffee, Fresh and Easy, Disneyland.

4. What am I most afraid of?
being rejected/left behind for being honest with others.
...never getting married.

5. What is one step I can take today to move closer to my "ideal" life?
I guess acknowledging that if I only live life in order to attain my "ideal" life, or a life that's only full of happiness, I become more prone to trying to "fix" things when they are less than ideal and dwelling in the unhappiness of the situations when I fail (to fix anything). The step that I can take today and everyday (and i wince as i say this because it sounds so cliche--even though it is so true and valuable) is to surrender my life wholly to God and to acknowledge His control and His goodness in the "unhappiness" of life. I must remind myself that God's idea of "good" is to test me in order to prove and improve my faith.

the presence of Absence.

2010-02-25T20:55:00.000-08:00

currently playing: Merry Happy by Kate Nash

there is a sort of absence that feels relentlessly present.
maybe even persistent.

no amount of distance,
denial,
...or didacticism,
seems to make any difference--
there is no simple cure.

cliches cannot sweep
the oxymoron under
the subliminal rug.

[what to do, what to do.]
imagine a frantic,
manic,
search for something to
fix the undesired,

feeling(s).
[i.e scissors to cut the loose ends.]

perhaps the answer is
finding a sense of belonging,
in the uncertainty.

or maybe the answer could be found:
at the very bottom of a very large
flask of

sweet tea.

a boy named Shakespeare.

2010-02-22T16:15:00.000-08:00

Shaky for short.

He is only 7 years old, the second to the youngest child of a strong Samoan family, soft spoken, with beautiful dark eyelashes and dark raven hair that reached the back of his shins.

We spent most of the day smirking at each other--me trying to make him laugh and him trying to pretend that he didn't want to. At the end of the day, he finally smiled--revealing several missing teeth and said "You're weird." I told him that I took that as a compliment.

This may sound kind of weird, but really...when I'm at Children's Hospital of Orange County for clinicals, I feel kind of like I'm....shopping for children. Don't worry, I don't have any immediate plans to take any home...but I just fall in love with all the kids that I encounter. Today was no exception. I wanted to take all my patient with me.

When I'm around kids, I just feel like I'm in my element. They are the best kind of people, i think.

"Jesus is a genius"

2010-02-21T15:58:00.000-08:00

...that was a direct quote from the pastor this morning of the Fountain of Life Church in Long Beach, California. There was a lot of context behind that statement...mainly the passage in 2 Timothy 4:13, where an imprisoned Paul is writing some personal instructions for Timothy: "...When you come, bring the cloak that I left with Carpus at Troas, also the books, and above all the parchments." The parchments, being Scripture--most of which Paul had written--were the most important thing to Paul. Not so that he can admire his penmanship, but because these parchments were some of the earliest manuscripts of what we know to be the New Testament.

Paul, in the midst of his suffering, needed encouragement from God. He needed the Bible. An amazing thought struck me at church this morning. Well, amazing in a "wow, how can I be such an idiot" kind of way. So...growing up in a conservative Christian background, I always knew I had to read the Bible. And even now, if I don't read it, I feel horrible. Some of it is conviction, but most of it is guilt and/or fear. Conviction and guilt are different things and that's a whole 'nother issue. I feel guilty because I think God is mad at me. I'm sure if God was conditional, that would be true. But it's not true. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is not petty, nor is he fickle. I'm not trying to wriggle out of an "obligation" to be in the word as a "slave of Christ," but should it really be this sort of obligation? An obligation where it feels like you're the worst Christian in the world if it's not done? I'm not trying to write excuses, just merely thinking. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I need to exorcise the thought that God is upset enough with me to shun me from His graces when I don't read the Word. Though, even when I say it out loud, it's hard to believe. Doing things out of fear [of rejection] cannot nurture, nor sustain, the kind of relationship God wants to have with those who call themselves His children...

Reading the Bible should come from a sort of addiction to God. A spiritual dependency, if you will. I'm seeing that now...and I want to have what Paul had.

Somewhere in the pastor's message this morning, within the context of 2 Timothy 4:6-13, he talked about suffering and self-denial (submitting the self to discipline, not pretending like we're human beings without any actual wants and desires) and how Jesus suffers with us, and how everything that's invested in suffering--the pain, the loneliness, the brokenness, for the sake of the Cross--will be redeemed at the end of it all, that entrusting obedience and trust in God is a worthy investment of our lives, even if it ends in a dungeon...that it takes these sort of things to make a man, or a woman...the pastor stops and says, "Jesus is a genius."

I can't even really explain, in words, how much that statement comforts me...and kind of makes me chuckle. Jesus IS a genius...everyday, I see how He breaks down false ideas, restores brokenness, comforts loneliness and so much more. And in my life alone, He has really done amazing things, even in the last four months. I am a different person, in a lot of ways.

I am thankful for it.

Sing.

2010-02-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

Sing by Travis:

untitled

2010-02-17T16:12:00.000-08:00

I realized that I may have sounded like I didn't like being around Christians at all in my last post...which isn't true. While in some ways, I think being around non-Christians is refreshing because they do see a lot of their own humanity and are often more understanding of the more human reactions to crap that happens in life, but they cannot replace fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ. I am thankful for people in my life who love me and speak words of wisdom into my life and people who understand what it means to pursue a life lived by faith.

I gave blood for the first time today and survived. Thank you, Jesus.

I've been listening to "Great is Thy Faithfulness" a lot in the past week. It's good to hear and sing and to think about what is true of God. I know this song consoles me a lot when i start to feel more than believe. Feelings are so often misleading. Not that its bad to be emotional but sometimes emotions are potent enough to convince us of something that we think is true and we lose our grip on reality. And today is no exception:

(this version of "Great is Thy Faithfulness is performed by Jeremy aka "Passion")

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Crazy/Talk.

2010-02-15T22:09:00.001-08:00

Um.

Sometimes, I get a little self-conscious about all my Jesus talk.

*gasp*

It should be little or no surprise to most people that our American culture is progressively moving away from God, His law, His love, His Holiness and more importantly, Jesus Christ & the Gospel. God's not a "big deal" anymore. This isn't just a problem in the secular world, but the casual disregard of the characters of God & the implications of the Cross has infiltrated the church and the minds of its attendees. President Obama did proclaim to the rest of the world that "we are no longer a Christian nation," and was proud of it. It doesn't surprise me, but it kind of freaks me out in a "the end is near!" kind of way...

Christians have become the "crazies" of this day and age. With the rest of the civilization finding their encouragement and inspiration from their respective muses of this world, Christians are looked down upon, viewed as archaic, mindless beings, who talk about things that don't make any logical sense. Granted, there are some Christians who are kind of actually crazy and they have somehow become THE representation of all the Christians and...that's not good.

And because I am a human being, I will go so far as to admit that due to my inherent insecurities and need for affirmation, its getting harder and harder to be verbal about my Christianity without feeling obnoxious or self-conscious (like, right now). What complicates this issue even more is my love for those outside of the Christian faith and for those who are "walking the line" so to speak. I want to be around these people more than I do with Christians. Well, in a way that wants to demonstrate to them how amazing it really is to be loved and be in love with Jesus and all that He is/will be. And that living for God is not about legalism but about wanting to live for Him because He loves us so much. I just want to show them that I'm not crazy...and that a majority of Christians are actual people, with actual problems, that we don't live in "la-la" land and have an answer/formula for everything and it is a day to day struggle to live by faith.

And is it bad to say that I think Jesus cares more about how we love people and how we reach out to others than how many worship songs we sing, or how many bible studies we attend?

I know that my place is not within the comfortable Christian bubble, but it's not easy at all to walk outside of it. And yes, it makes me uneasy and insecure because I love Jesus, but I'm still quite human...that part never really goes away...well, not until I D-I-E...

HAHAHAHA

2010-02-14T22:11:00.001-08:00

the japanese have developed a new technique to help people learn english...

Blogger Confessional.

2010-02-13T12:04:00.000-08:00

Confession: I devoured an entire season of Project Runway last night instead of doing anything that resembled productivity. Who wants to do homework on a Friday night when I can watch people max out their creative potential by making amazing fashion forward pieces in 24-48 hours?

And I think I may burn at the stake for saying this but I think Jesus was ok with it.

Wait, shouldn't I know this already?

2010-02-09T15:16:00.000-08:00

I found the following passage very encouraging/convicting. It's an excerpt from Martin-Lloyd Jones's book, Spiritual Depression: it's causes and cure. D. Martin-Lloyd Jones is the man. Or a man. But he's a wise one for a sure.

"Do not think in terms of bargains and rights in the kingdom of God. That is absolutely fatal. There is nothing so wrong as the spirit which argues because I do this, or because I have done that, I have a right to expecting something because I have done that, I have a right to expect something else in return. This is met with frequently. I know very good evangelical people, who seem to be thinking like that. 'Now,' they say, 'if we pray for certain things, we are bound to have them, for instance if we pray all night for revival we must have revival.' I have sometimes described this as the 'penny in the slot' idea of Christianity. You put in your coin and you draw out a bar of chocolate or whatever else you want...

...but that surely is to deny the whole principle which our LORD is teaching. I do not care what it is, whether prayer or anything else, in no respect must I ever argue that because I do something I am entitled to get something--never. And of course the principle can be seen to be true in practice...

...Let us get rid of this bargaining spirit, that if I do this then that will happen... The Holy Spirit is LORD, and He is a sovereign LORD. He sends these things in His own time and His own way. In other words we must realize that we have no right to do anything at all...even rewards are of grace. He need not give them, and if you think you can determine and predict how they are to come you will be quite wrong. Everything is of grace in the Christian life from the very beginning to the very end. To think in terms of bargains and to murmur at results, implies a distrust of Him, and we need to watch our own spirits lest we harbour the thought that He is not dealing with us justly and fairly.

If you start in that way you end by robbing yourself. I like the way in which our LORD teaches that. If you strike a bargain with God, well then it is almost certain that you will just get your bargain and no more...O Christian friends, do not make bargains with God. If you do, you will get only your bargain; but if you leave it to His grace, you will probably get more than you ever thought of. Of the Pharisees our LORD says: 'Verily they have seen their reward.' They do these things in order to be seen of men; they are seen of men, that is what they wanted and that is all they will get, they will get no more..."

The beginning of the end?

2010-02-08T18:47:00.000-08:00

It's so hard to cut the cord...

I've been so intertwined with the interWEB since my early teenage years that now, when faced with the challenge to dismantle my blog, my facebook and anything else that might connect me to the internet, it's so hard to just leave and turn my back on all of this.

Whoa. Cue dramatic music, right? But am I really the only person who's wanted to disappear off the radar for an unset amount of time? Aside from my email, do I really need all this extra-curricular stuff to fill my time with?

I've already begun my weaning "phase." I deactivated my facebook a couple of days ago. It's weird. I mean, this isn't the first time I've done it (the last time alluding to an unfortunate breakup with an ex-boyfriend). This time, I've really felt like it made sense. For the last few months, facebook has lost its taste in my mouth. I've become disinterested in it and have only checked my facebook out of habit. That's what scared me, I suppose and made me finally walk away (let's hope this walking away lasts longer than 6 months this time...) And yes, it is a social network. It is a good way to keep in touch with people. But lately, I've been exhausted and overwhelmed by the amount of people I try to hang on to and keep in touch with. Frankly, I get attached to way too many people. I'd like to think that if God were to ever cross our paths again, we can greet each other with a hug and still think fondly of one another...even if we don't write on each other's facebook walls every week. I don't mean to offend anyone. It's just the truth (and really, how many of my 687 friends were really my friends? and how many of them did I just stalk anyway?)

I think this "virtual" makeover kick is somehow associated with the driving force to move on with my life. I've realized that there are many things that hold me back and I don't want them to anymore. There's also something appealing about disappearing and becoming less accessible to whoever, whenever; because if people really did want to know and care about my life, they would really take the time to ask me. It's something that I want to be intentional about, too.

But it is hard to just break away from the internet. As you can see, my blog is still up and running.

A.D.H.D

2010-02-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

I may be THE most...easily distracted, un-focused person that I know. Do you, beloved reader, want to know how I got to my blog and started writing this post? Well, it was purely unintentional and part of a tangled web of "sidetrackings" that originated from me trying to initiate a journal entry on my much neglected, Target-bought, leather-bound, private, for "Linell's Eyes Only" journal.

Let me retrace my steps that led me to this very moment: I opened my journal, which I haven't written in since December 6th, 2009 for various reasons--mainly avoidance-- and managed to write the date on the top right hand corner. All of a sudden, I remembered that I should write something in my planner (lest I forget), and as I opened to the specific date in question, I discovered a potential conflict! I, therefore, logged onto Facebook to write on my friend's wall, to let her know of the potential conflict and to ask if she could reschedule for a later time (I would phone her or text her, but since her return from Dublin, Ireland she has no access to a phone and Facebook has become her only connection to her friends/family). And as I was on facebook, I managed to see a friend's posting about a trip to Fresh & Easy, which reminded me of my new affinity for the lemon & cilantro hummus that I just purchased from that same grocery store this week. Of course, I felt like I needed to let the world know (and the fact that the name Fresh & Easy immediately causes me to hum Outkast's "So Fresh, So Clean" repeatedly in my head, or outloud, for an unknown length of time)--and I changed my facebook status to tell everyone that I loved lemon & cilantro hummus and it's bizarre connection to hip-hop in my mind. By the time I had finished my facebook status update, I remembered that a friend from Santa Barbara is coming to visit this weekend, so I wanted to look on his facebook to see what his plans were. This led me to a post from another friend, who had posted something on his facebook wall, announcing that she had a new blog. This made me think of my own blog and how I should add her to my list of "Blogs I read" but then managed to forget all that as I found the need to post something about my shameless distractibility and failure to stay focused on one task at hand.

Sigh. This is a common occurence in my life. It's 30% funny, but 70% frustrating and is a detriment to my desire to be a vessel of discipline and productivity. But, I'm not throwing my hat in just yet. No way, Mr. Jose. They always say that the first step to growth and change is realizing that there is a problem. And my friends, I have a HUGE problem.

Well, now that I'm all journaled out... I think it's time to post-pone my other journal entry (on my other journal) once again. Instead, I will indulge in some hummus and crackers and watch a few episodes of Smallville.

Thank you and goodnight.

Another semester begins...

2010-02-02T06:57:00.001-08:00

School started yesterday. It was slightly overwhelming because it was a drastic change in my brain activity level--it was like going from zero to 60mph in 10 seconds. By the end of the day, I already felt like I was halfway through the semester...but it was only the first day! AH! Nursing school owns my life.

Not that I'm complaining, though I will admit that I am kind of freaking out. However, I am thoroughly excited for what this semester holds. My first clinical rotation, at the Children's Hospital of Orange County, makes me squeal with delight. I love children so much and I can't wait to get started. I know that this semester will have it's own unique joys and challenges, but I say... bring it on.

With the start of every semester--especially in these last two years--I tend to look back and wonder how I managed to make it through without spontaneously combusting. Last semester was the most difficult semester thus far, in terms of academic work load and emotional hardships. But I somehow made it through, even though there were days when the painfulness of it all almost consumed my world in darkness. Yeesh. I was really humbled in a way that the only person who mattered the most, the only person who was the most clear to me, whose love became more tangible and more real on a day to day basis was...God.

I know that I'm not completely in the clear of all the things that happened a few months ago. There are remnances that linger that kind of help me understand the whole "thorn in my side" idea that the Apostle Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12. These "thorns" seem to be gentle nudges, constant reminders of my weakness and my need to be completely dependent on God, and how the entirety of my will needs to be surrendered to His. It's become so strange to me that I see this kind of pain as something so good...something that encourages me so much when I take the time to remember how much more God matters.

Thus says the LORD:
'Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool; what is the house that you would build for me, and what is the place of my rest? All these things my hand has made, and so all these things came to be, declares the LORD. But this is the one to whom I will look; he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.

[Isaiah 66: 1-2]

for the Pygmies & the rest of the broken world

2010-01-23T09:08:00.000-08:00

Last week, I cried for the Pygmies in Africa.

I was waiting to talk to someone about my car insurance when I found a recent issue of the Smithsonian in their office. I randomly opened to an article about the plight of these precious human beings, treated like animals because they different. Pygmies are a people group that consist of full grown men and women who are no bigger than average sized children. The article said that they were in danger of extinction; victims of slavery, genocide and cannibalism-- their numbers are rapidly dwindling. When I saw their faces, my heart broke for them. While I wondered why God would allow this to happen to them, I also knew that it was His Spirit that stirred my heart when I read that article. It was His Spirit that prompted me to pray for them and to continue to pray for them even now.

I know that God has seen and heard the cries of these people. And while the hearts of men are evil, that there is no one who can please God apart from Christ, I believe that there are those who suffer needlessly. But I am no better than the Pygmies. I am not more human than they are. It is only by the grace and mercy of God that I can sit here, alive and well, without any significant worries.

If I ask God if this is "fair," of course, I know the answer. The Bible is clear about the righteousness of God and that He has the right to do what He needs to do in order to glorify Himself, that He is control of all things. I know that because of Adam's sin, the world is broken and therefore has been subjected to pain and suffering. But knowing the right answers isn't enough. It's easy to explain away such terrible things when my own family is not being eaten or tormented just for being a little different.

God, I know that You are good. You are sovereign, just and holy. You are righteous and set high above the reach of human understanding. Yet by your grace, compassion, love and mercy, You gave us Your Son, who came to Earth in human form, to experience life as a human being even in death, so that we may know Your love for us as You gave us Your Son to die for our iniquities, that once separated us from You, but in Christ, we have been reconciled to You. I confess my sins to You, LORD. I have loved myself too much and loved You too little. Forgive me, Father. In Your name, I ask that You would be with the Pygmies. I pray for comfort for them, LORD. I pray that You would reveal Yourself to them, LORD. I pray that they would know the name of Christ. I pray that You would deliver them from their plight and that You would send people to come to their aid. God, I ask that You would stir up others to pray for them and for the rest of the broken world. I pray that You would help us Christians to take up our responsibility to care for those who are in need. God, may we care for the things that You care about. For to love others selflessly brings You glory. And God, I ask that we would love others out of our heart's desire to obey You. For You are great and if not for Christ, then we labor and love in vain. Help us to rest in Your grace, to dwell in Your grace and to live by Your grace. Help us to show the world who You are, by living lives that reflect the mercy and compassion that You have shown us.

In Christ's name I pray,
Amen.

The Unmarried Life: an introduction

2010-01-19T12:53:00.000-08:00

so, i'm turning 25 this Friday. I'm turning a quarter of a century old this week. I admit that that is a pretty dramatic statement. But, isn't it true? And no, I'm actually not bitter. I have no regrets. Still, it's tempting to sort through the "what ifs" that float through my mind and even more tempting to believe that, at the point in time when I had to make a choice, I chose a different fork in the road than the one I had chosen, that maybe things would be different. Hm. But that's not true. I believe in God's sovereignty that somehow works in and through my choices. Where I have been and where I am now is exactly where God wants me. I don't know how, I just believe that that's true. And I'm going to leave it at that.

Of course, the whole marriage issue is bound to come up. "You're in your mid-20's and you're not married." Yeah, tell me something I don't know. When I was 18--fresh out of high school, a sheltered, blissfully ignorant snot--I had my whole life planned out before me and I think I was supposed to be married at least three years ago. This isn't a bitter rant. I am actually very content in my unmarriedness. Does that mean I've given up on getting married? Hellz no. It's my hearts desire to be married, have children, experience life together with another man, and of course, experience the goodness of sex. I do believe that it is my heart's desire to glorify God in all the ways that I could glorify Him in loving another human being of the opposite sex.

The journey to contentment has been arduous and I still have my moments when it's hard for me to be single. I think that's mostly because I've spent the last four months of my life trying to readjust to a life of singleness after ending a relationship that was the best thing that has ever happened to me. It seemed like a cruel joke--only that I know that God's not cruel, but that almost makes it harder to work through all the emotions of losing something (or someone) that I want(ed) so much. That relationship whetted my appetite for marriage even more and I thought that that was it. I was home free. One thing for sure that I've learned: never assume such a thing until there's a ring on my finger.

The unmarried life is what I've learned to call this phase. And really, this may not be a phase, this could be my entire life. The odds are about the same: there's a 50% chance that I'll get married and 50% chance that that is not what God has in store for me. Whatever the odds are, my life right now is what matters. I don't want to just be waiting for Mr. Right to saunter in through the door and sweep me of my feet. I want to continue to live life to the fullest, in serving God and his people and enjoying his presence, whether in time of plenty or in time of need. While marriage is an important milestone in a person's life, I will not give in to the thought that I can never be fully "complete" until I am married. It's been said that a person is already a complete whole in Christ in their singularity, but most people in the Christian circles don't really believe that. If they did, they would stop pitying the unmarrieds and the unmarrieds would stop pitying themselves.

I do believe that I have plenty of time. I'm only 25 after all. And for me and maybe for others who are feeling the pressure of unmarried life, it may not be the question of "if," but the question of "when." And while it's true that those who desire marriage so much cannot merely blockade the thoughts from their minds, I want to encourage those, who are in the same boat, to not live life "parenthetically." Life is not be lived in segments. I pray that if I'm in my 40's and still unmarried that I would still have my hands lifted high, praising Jesus, with my heart and my will completely surrendered to His.

thankful

2010-01-16T19:13:00.001-08:00

when Satan tempts me to despair, to hate or scorn my life, I will tell him in great detail, how the LORD has blessed me well and in great abundance.

i am thankful in ways that i have never been before.
i am thankful that the LORD has made me to think and feel deeply, for i have learned more compassion and more mercy.
i am thankful for the ways that i am moved by beautiful music.
i am thankful for the ways that accepting my own weaknesses has helped me understand grace better.
i am thankful for the ways that i have learned how to be honest and transparent.
i am thankful for the way that i have experienced unconditional love in community.
i am thankful for my quirks because they make life more interesting and more tolerable at times.
i am thankful for having loved in a way that freed me from my own self-resentments.
i am thankful for being loved in a way that was more evident in action than in words.
i am thankful for courage.
i am thankful for transitions because it leads to new, exciting seasons of life that hold many opportunities for growth.
i am thankful for prayers being answered after fervently praying for many years.
i am thankful for diversity.
i am thankful for perseverance and patience.
i am thankful for confidence.
i am thankful for hope.

on the privilege of suffering...

2010-01-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

Even though I love writing, there are those who say what I want to say so much better than I could...

"In abandoning now even his need for an 'explanation,' Job truly believes, more than ever before, in an utterly disinterested way--for nothing. Francis Anderson offers this summary:

It is one of the many excellences of the book that Job is brought to
contentment without ever knowing all the facts of his case. In view of the
way in which Satan brought up the matter, something had to be done to rescue Job
from his slander. And the test would only work if Job did not know what it
was for. God thrusts Job into an experience of dereliction to make it possible
for Job to enter into a life of naked faith, to learn to love God for Himself
alone. God does not seem to give the privilege to many people, for they pay a
terrible price of sufffering for their discoveries. But part of the
discovery is to see the suffering itself as one of God's most precious
gifts. To withhold the full story from Job, even after the test is over,
keeps him walking by faith, not by sight. He does not say in the end, "Now I see
it all." He never sees it all. He sees God (Job 42:5). Perhaps
it is better if God never tells any of us the whole of our life-story."

re: beauty & perspectives

2010-01-07T20:28:00.001-08:00

maybe it is because my emotions are worn loosely on my sleeves,
and i am prone to think with my heart more often than my mind would like to admit
but i find beauty in the least expected places, it seems

i find beauty in perspectives,
i find beauty in the discomfort of differences,
in the ever present shades of gray, knitted firmly
in my life-like tapestry.

differences play a role in redefining, refining--faith.

those who think with their hearts despise logic,
those who think with their minds refuse their heart's cry...
which is right? is the other wrong?
there is redeeming beauty in remembering the tension,
--meant to keep the head and the heart in their proper places

soon enough, it won't matter the wrongness or the rightness of it all,
if the ground swallows them, or whether they are stunned with the parting of clouds,
revealing the brightness of the Son, who was destined to rule them all.

"I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world's finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, for all the blood that they've shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened." [Fyodor Dostoevsky]

the freedom in finding myself

2010-01-06T08:26:00.000-08:00

It's still the semester break and I'm up before 9 am. Some may think that I'm crazy for being up so early when I don't have to be, but somehow, the whole "sleeping-in" thing got really old when I realized I could be doing more productive things with my time.

(Blogging, apparently, is more productive than sleeping in.)

I think it's great that I came to dislike my laziness all on my own. That may sound odd, but thinking for myself has not exactly been something I've ever really done until recently. For example, I used to dislike laziness, not because I actually thought I was doing something wrong, but because I feared the opinion of others that I placed highly before mine. In other words, I trusted the wisdom of men (and women) to an unhealthy degree. I had shame and guilt built upon other people's convictions and not my own. My life and thought life was a jumbled mess.

This, of course, affected my relationship with God in that I felt constantly guilty--since you know, you can't please everyone. So, I tried to alleviate guilt by doing stuff, or trying to get other people to take my guilt away through people-pleasing methods. I didn't realize the gravity of the situation until I moved away from home and experienced a not-so-black-and-white-reality, where people believed different things. Faced with diversity of thought and seeing other believers live a Christianity that was so different from what I've always known, I slowly--and painfully--realized that I had no thoughts, or opinions to call my own. Some would say that this is "growing up." It felt more like the ground caved in under my feet and I plunged into a huge abyss of doubt and confusion. Growing up is not fun.

But undeniably necessary. Thankfully, God did not allow me to stay so...abysmal.

I used to believe that any lingering thought to who I was, any focus on the "self" would lead to disaster. However, I discovered that this "disaster" I had in mind would be finding that certain people would no longer--for lack of a better term-- think I was "legit," as in my reputation as a solid, logical person, would be null and void. The trend that I witnessed in my life was that I capitulated the things that I believed, not just because I didn't know what to believe, but because I didn't want to feel the deadening blow of rejection. When one is not confident enough in Christ to risk standing on their own, then rejection--or the mere feeling of it-- is, like, the worst thing ever.

Discovering who our true "selves" are can be tricky. It's understandable that people would fear it so much. It's what Martin Buber calls a "perilous moment." He says that a "real self knowledge leads a person to self-destruction or to rebirth." Yes, I whole-heartedly agree. I mean, I was sort of out of commission for some time, but I was in a lot of ways "re-born." No, I am not implying that I had somehow "lost" my salvation and got it back, nor am I saying that I was never a Christian. I am admitting that I was a confused Christian, but now, I'm not so confused. I knew a "self" that was created by my parasitical dependence on the opinions of others. I think this tends to happen more often than not, since churches are really good at focusing on WHAT people are doing instead of HOW they are doing on the inside. And when I say churches, I mean, the body of Christ as a whole. I don't exempt myself from this at all, by the way. I know that I'm a hypocrite. But I'm trying to be less like one by knowing who I really am and what I really believe.

I've learned that people can't, nor should they try to do something that only the Holy Spirit can do: sanctify me, or make me holy. And I should not depend on them for my righteousness, either. The truth is, at least for me, not looking at who I really was, was a detriment to my relationship with God. I trusted people more than I trusted Him. I wasn't able to enjoy a relationship with Him because I was too preoccupied by what people thought. I was in bondage. It was terribly constricting and lethal to any kind of joy I wanted to have. This was not "freedom in Christ."

I know that now, I am seeking to trust the Holy Spirit to guide me, to show me discernment in how I live my life. Of course, I still listen to people. I love sermons and reading books about God and Christianity--however, I no longer sense the obligation to make their thoughts absolute truths in my life. I am more ok with being wrong, or standing alone, than I have ever been because not only is the Holy Spirit going to correct me, but I know that God is for me, He will never leave or forsake me. God has restored my confidence and I surrender to Him my life and my thoughts and my self.

"Now the LORD is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the LORD, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the LORD who is the Spirit." [2 Corinthians 3: 17-18]

Golden child.

2010-01-05T13:15:00.001-08:00

"He knows the way that I take and when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold." [Job 23:10]

I am so thankful. I never thought I would actually get to a point in my life where I can mean this, like, mean it in a "my heart is overflowing with gratitude and love" kind of way: I am thankful for the pain that God has caused in my life because now I can say with confidence that I know Him better.

It is a kind of knowledge of God, that break the bonds of pride and arrogance that comes with an abundance of head knowledge about God and the Bible. My heart has succeeded, where my logic has failed. I am grateful to be humbled in this way. Grateful to read the bible in a way that is not limited to filling my head with facts, but in a way that seeks to know my God, my Father, the One who has saved me from the eternal punishment that I deserve and seeks to have a deep relationship with me, His adopted child.

I am so thankful. So thankful to be more confident than I have ever been of His love for me. As Brother Lawrence once said, "Love sweetens pains." What is even more sweet is a growing understanding of God's infinite grace--that despite my horrible attitude, my pride, my failures and my anger, He continues to pour out His mercy and continues to reveal Himself to me. His grace is limitless! His love knows no bounds! He does not treat us according to our iniquities, and He does not give up on those He loves.

This is the hope that the world needs to know, not just to save them from eternal damnation, but so that they may enjoy knowing the Living God, and grow to love Him and seek to worship Him, now and forever.